I Was a Toddler-age Tosspot

Yes, I confess.
By the time I was 3, I was hooked on the ol’ brew.
(And, apparently, I passed that on to my eldest. Though, I preferred a bottle)
Observez Vous…

Gee, thanks Mom!
Gee, thanks Mom!

Actually, I was more hooked on Dad…I was his toddlin’ sidekick in mighty whitey tights!  Anything he did, I wanted to do. Anywhere he was, I wanted to be.  Not so unusual for little girls to consider their Dads their first love and first superhero.

Always ready to catch me
Always ready to catch me

Book Two 37 (2)Book Two 75Roy, Grands, Rhonda (2)

 

 

There again too…I guess boys are of the same mind.  Like father like sons?
You betcha!
Good VT Stock

 

 

 

 

oldies 11 - Copy (2) - Copyoldies 11 - Copyoldies 11 - Copy (2)

 

 

 

 


This is how the story goes…

Once upon a time, in a little town far, far away, there was a little girl who lived with her father, mother, and 3 brothers. That’s her below…the twinklin’ toddler in her mighty whities…
rhondaThe budding housewifeMother got to my hair again

Her father was a hard-working man; working 2, sometimes 3 jobs to make ends meet.  And her Mother was not your ‘typical for the times’ housewife either.

Isn't she pretty?
Isn’t she pretty?

Because, busy as she was, having had 4 kids in 5 years, she still held a full-time job outside the home.

But, this was also a time when families lived close together, daycare centers were non-existent, and family was relied upon to pitch in where they could. (Glad it was you, Gram)

Now, seeing as these were hard-working folk, what little free time there was, was catch-up time, family time, friends time. Picnic parties, horseshoes, reunions, celebrations…but all the time, busy!
Picnic at PartlowsBook Four 12Island Pondroy and chickie 35th cake

But…let’s not forget the biggie…working on cars in the yard.

That all-american male’s favorite pastime.  Grease-monkeyin’ in the driveway.
b10Working-Old-Car-onworking-on-car
Am I right?

So anyway, this is how a toddlin’ sidekick to her Daddy’s Superman, gets her tights in a twist…

A typical weekend afternoon, circa 1963…

The boys tinkerin’ in the driveway with the women folk fixin’ victuals and watchin’ babies inside.
A regular tune ‘er up, tink’er up, smoke’em up, drink’em up, Sa’day afternoon.
Rev her up..sounds good!
Close her up…hit the dirt for a test run.
No need for cleanin’up, we’re comin’ right back.

Ya with me?  Good.

To continue…

The boys are gone.
The women are inside with (8 of the usual 9) the kids.
One smarty pants little toddler decided she missed her Daddy and went outside looking for him.
She calls for him.
No answer.
She can’t see him.
But wait…there…in the driveway.
“What’s that?” she wonders in her terrible-three tiny little brain.
“Can it be?” she asks herself
“Why, I think it’s a Daddy bottle and ooooooh, he left it for me!” silently gigglin in delight she was
“I love a good Daddy bottle. It’s so much more yummy than my ucky ol’ boring one.” she hmmphs at the thought.
She looks around.
No one.
She listens keenly for any sound that would suggest Mommy was coming to take her Daddy bottle away.
Nothing.
“Yay” she thinks as she’s already on the move, toddlin’ toward that dark brown delight she knows is filled with liquid gold.
She stretches those short and chubbies just far enough to grab the neck of that father-forgotten treasure, tips it to her lips like the bottle pro she is…and chug-a-lugs.

That was the last thing I remember prior to waking up in the hospital God knows how much time later.

You see, the brew I knew and thought of as Dad’s liquid gold, was what I now call, liquid fire.

As was the custom then…and I’ve seen it again and again in the years since…these man-boys would use beer bottles as containers for gasoline when working on their carburetors. They were always plentiful, usually empty, so why buy a gas can when a beer bottle will do?

Exactly! Logic boys….logic!

The madness that followed can quite easily be imagined…and remember, this was an itsy bitsy town.
I don’t remember much of the ensuing chaos…but have heard the details often.

The boys returned to find my Mother holding me in a panic.
No other vehicle.
No hospital nor ambulance within 8 miles and 13 minutes (rural roads ya know).
And a non-breathing child turning colors no human should be.
Parents and me in the car.
Dad driving hell-bent for leather, Mom holding me.
My head out the window like a dog.
I do remember being told NOT to throw up.
I do remember having zero conscious thoughts at this time.
Arrive at the hospital alive, though I was told I didn’t take a single breath, as well as my Mother being told that it’s a miracle I didn’t vomit, for that would have been the end of my life as I knew it.
I do remember too, waking in a crib-bed with a top (?), like a cage, feeling trapped.
But, when I could, I remember looking out the window and seeing my Memere’s house and it made me feel better.


 Now, all of us that are parents, know this irrefutable fact:

You CANNOT turn you back on a toddler
EVER.
Even for a second.
Because one second is one second TOO LONG!


But…I think we can all agree…it happens.

Shit happens!

beer cap
This Bud’s for Anyone but ME!

12 Days of Christmas (2 days late)

(Yes, you have to sing it!)

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me

A bill that was way oh-ver due

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Two fucking chances

To eh-splain why the bill was oh-ver due

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me

Three dirty looks

Two fucking chances

To eh-splain why that bill was oh-ver due

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love said to me

“Four bill collectors

Three rotten voice mails

Two fu-cking chances

Now eh-splain about that fri-hi-ggin bill”

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love went to work

Missing fiiiiiiiiiiiiive of his teeeeeeeeeeth

Fo-hor missing buttons

Three rips and tears

Two-hooo franctured toes

And a mouth full of oh-ver due bill

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love asked of me

Please call the dentist

Foooor my mis-sing teeeeeth

“Fo-hor days ago

I lost my mind

Please do not kill me

And from now on you ge-he-het the mail”

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love brought to me

Seven wrapped up presents

Six pounds of chocolate

Fiiiiiiiiiiive din-ner coupons

Fo-hor smelly candles

Three movie tickets

Two-hoo spa-ah days

And a day for our dog at Pup’s R Us

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love asked of me

Please stop obsessing

Let me say “I’m sorry”

We can have a re-do

IIIIIIIIIIIII was a shiiiiit

I promise not to question

What you do or don’t do

Because I don’t know shit

When it comes to making it ah-all work

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love hid from me

Fear of what would happen

D’nial that was his mantra

Refusal to believe that

The fact his Mother was right

His wiiiiiiife wazzzz such a biiiiiiiiiiiitch

Oh-ho-ho who does care

That he had invested

More than you may know

And that his partridge left long-ong-ong-ago

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love said to me

1 thru 9 are awesome

10 thru 12 are missing

This is so distracting

I only wanted quiet

Is that too much to ask for

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive Golden Rules

Fo-hor pleading men

Three spanish prayers

Two birds in a bush

And I won’t tell the partridge he is di-hi-hi-in-er

No I won’t tell the bird that he is toast

Mr. and Mrs. Smite – Prologue (as it turns out)

This post has been in my head and heart and groin (yeah, I know, but it has) for a long time now.

There have been times over the last couple years I’ve come straight here, to this screen, knowing exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.

But to date, I’ve yet to get beyond the first word.
I think I’ve been too embarrassed, ashamed, confused, conflicted, to go any further.

If I don’t chicken out today, I’ll get to the end, knowing I need to get it out.
If I do (chicken out)…then I hope I find the courage to finish tomorrow.
Or even later today.
It’s still early right?

Whether this is the place is another question.
It really doesn’t matter though, as this is the only place, and these are the only ears, I go to, to be who I am and say what I need to say.

Good or Bad
Right or Wrong
This is where I first found my voice and it makes no sense to shut up now.

So…pull up the big chair, smoke ’em if ya got um, get ready to flex the wincing muscles, cause you’re gonna need ’em.

This ain’t gonna be pretty; looking this intently in the mirror rarely is. But it is gonna be real.
And for what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll be alone, even though alone is a very familiar and all too comfortable place to be.

It’s the tale of 2 bodies and 4 people (in other words, a couple).

Me and ‘The Mrs’
Him and ‘The Mr’

Now, I know all of us (and I mean ALL of us) are multi-faceted individuals.
We are, at times, everything to everybody.
We are not one-dimensional, nor are we unique.
Our struggles with the day-to-day of the human condition are nothing if not universal.

That said…we are though.
Unique that is.

We could, all of us, be presented with like scenarios, similar circumstances, the same quandaries, and yet, come up with a myriad of reasons for or solutions to “IT”.

I get that…but for my part, I own this.
Or we do…as the case may be.

I stand before you, naked and afraid, but determined to share a burden that weighs heavily on me.
(You’ll appreciate the verbiage of that soon enough).

It weighs heavily enough that it runs a loop in my brain like THE worst ever episode of ‘This Is Your Life”.

There are some here old enough to remember that show…for those too young, perhaps it’s like seeing your life flash before your eyes as you die and you think “Shit…who did I piss off to deserve that?”

Maybe…I don’t know.

This is difficult. Maybe more so than sharing with you past traumas in my life that were not dealt with until I was facing my own 50 Shades of Gray Hair.

I thought those shares would be the end of my life as I knew it.
But they weren’t.
In fact, very little has changed (to any degree)
I’ve found that people, like water, take the path of least resistance whenever possible.
And I understand it.

But, I also understand, it cannot matter to me what other people think or do.
Anymore.

It only matters what I think and what I do.
Not easy…never easy to be consciously selfish.
But necessary.

I’m very close to scaring myself out of continuing.
Think I’ll go pour myself some liquid courage.

I’ll be back…

I hope

The Eye of the Human Storm

Today’s forecast
Pain with a chance of happiness
Life
It hurts
Our first breath
Born in and out of
Pain
Our last breath
Born in and out of the fear of
Death
Beginning to end
The human struggle to keep moving
Beyond the current pain so we may
Endure the next
To begin again
The circle, the cycle
Of life, of pain
To reach our destination
Death
So
What is the point?
When one ends where one begins?
What is the point?
The middle
Is the point
To feel the heart beat
Of a lover
To hear the laughter
Of a child
To know the touch of another
The touch that completes
Our circle
Ones who will rejoice with us
And for us
And those who will mourn us
But more
Remember
That we were here
That we mattered
That we made the difference
That we closed a part of their own circle
And that they too
Closed a part of ours
To gather
At the end of the day
To hear the sounds of silence
The human sounds
We make without knowing
The sounds of love
And life
The middle
Those sounds our ears miss,
But that our hearts hear
These are the sounds of silence
So loud we are compelled to
Listen
Struggle to keep moving
From one pain to another
For in the end
It is not the pain
We Remember
It is
Love
Our circles have no true beginning
They meld
With our ending
We only have what is in
The middle
Today’s forecast
Pain with a chance of happiness
Take an umbrella if you must
Wear your raincoat
Wear galoshes if you have to
But
Prepare more for getting swept
Into the middle
‘Cause that’s where life happens
In the middle
Never be afraid to get wet
So
Put the fear aside
Go beyond the tropical storm of prologue
Fear not the hurricane of the epilogue
Walk into the wind
Get pummeled by the rain
Get to the eye
The middle
Where the calm allows us to hear
The human sounds of silence

The sounds of Love

For My Father

My First Love ~ My Only Hero

R.I.P. Superman

Part II – Opening a Window

today she wakes
and looks in the mirror
again
she notices first
that she is not alone
there, in the reflected layers of her life
a reunion of all who have walked with her
loved with her
laughed and cried with her
survived with her
leaving pieces of their own hearts, like beacons
along the path she now travels
softly focused, each smile touches her soul
some, instantly recognizable
familiar and loved faces of those who have made a difference in her life
how could she have forgotten?
others are strangers, unknown and unmet
but she hears them whisper…
you have made a difference in ours
how could she have known?
so many
she never realized
the power of one
but she feels its truth in the swelling of her heart

she feels him there
she doesn’t have to seek him out
in every layer, his is the brightest light
drawing her back through each layer
back and back and back to their beginning
he shows her and whispers to her heart…
“this is how you’ll always be to me; this is how I’ll always be to you”
he takes her hand and moves forward
she sees the evolution of their lives
the birth of their greatest joy
great gains and greater losses
buds of youth giving way to blossoms of senescence
destined to fall from the tree of life
as all things must
closer and closer and closer
to this moment of here and now
he shows her and whispers to her heart…
“I am and always will be”
“You are and have always been”
“Nothing else matters”
“Nothing will ever change that”

she turns, eyes bright with unshed tears
she sees
lines deep beside her smiling mouth
she knows
love’s power surging through her veins
she feels
whole

then…
she opens the window

‘Tis the Season

And so it begins

The Season

Visitors

Week Long

Visitors

Mother-In-Law plus 1

Visitors

Oh Goody

32 years as a Daughter-In-Law

10 years of hoping

(I’d disappear?)

Almost…(Once)

But not quite

Another 21 of tolerating me

1 year of resignation

What next?

Will I finally pass muster?

This week may tell

I leave you with this…

bunny hell easter

Just kidding

In all fairness, it’s more like this…

reefer mad

Oh alright, it’s not THAT bad

They are just house guests after all

Right?

What’s the worst that could happen?

padded_room

Oh

See ya next week

Maybe

ps) Kat…hope you don’t mind my stealing two of your gifs

pss) B…if you still read this blog, laugh now.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Now, I hope you all know me enough by now to know that I am picking fun here.  My Mother-In-Law is a strong, intelligent, sensitive woman and we get along famously.  It just took us some time to find our own relationship, as it did my husband and his Mother-In-Law.  There is love and there is respect and that is all there needs to be.

It’s important to let the seeds of this relationship grow naturally, organically, outside that of the child/spouse connection.

There is nothing in the rules of marriage handbook (and I’m sure there is one out there, somewhere) that says you have to love or even be friends with your spouse’s mother.

It helps, but it’s also okay if not.

(I don’t know why, but Fathers-In-Law relationships do NOT have the same dynamic)

Love doesn’t happen just because she birthed your spouse nor for the fact that you happened to choose her child as a life mate.

That just opens the door.  To be welcomed in and invited to take up space in their hearts, you must be worthy in your own right.

If there’s any hope for a relationship, there has to be respect.  On both sides.  And, because you’ve both earned it.

Respect is one of those things we each feel we deserve.

Just because.

Not so.

As with any relationship in life, whether personal or professional, we can respect the title/position, but the person in it, must earn it.

Also, as we cannot choose our blood relations, we do our best to love them because of our common link, but we often find ourselves in the position of not respecting them for various reasons.

Love but don’t respect – common in relationships to those we are born into.

But for those to whom we have no connection other than by proxy via our spouse, if we do not/cannot develop a familial love, we can at the least hope to develop a relationship based on mutual respect.

If not (especially if your spouse is close to your In-Law) then personally, I’d say your marriage has a boot on its neck.

Especially evident when you and your spouse have kids of your own…

Becoming a Mother-In-Law can be daunting if the relationship with the new son/daughter lacks respect as well as the love connection.

Could you imagine becoming a grandparent to the little seed of your precious apple in a relationship fraught with tension and stress because either you or your In-Law or your spouse were always on the defensive?

Nahhhh…that’s for the birds and a bit like cutting off your limb to spite your trunk, if you know what I mean.

So, this Mother’s Day, it is with high hopes that all the wives and husbands who share porch space with me here, boast a happy, healthy, loving relationship with your respective Mothers-In-Law.  If not, I sincerely hope you share one of mutual respect.

If not yet, work on it.  It’ll make all the difference in the world…to ALL of you.

If you’re a newbie, or a work in progress, keep at it.

The door opened the day you got married…it’s up to you to be welcomed inside.

Conversely…to all the Mothers-In-Law out there still struggling with the addition to the family…

It is with respect I say this…

“They are married.

You didn’t lose one, you gained one.

You did your job, now enjoy the fruits of your labor while they make fruits of their own.

Resist when you’re not asked.

Be there when you are.

And if you can’t…try harder.

Should you choose the right road, and it IS a choice, you’ll end up smack-dab in the middle of the intersection of Love Lane and Respect Avenue.

 HAPPY♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥MOTHER’S♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥DAY

Mom and Bertha

I love you

 

The Cowboy Way

Is it the green of the grass or the warmth of the sun?
The freedom he feels when he can just run?
IMG_1142
Or the sounds of his family, the music of laughter
that tickles his fancy? Is that what he’s after?
IMG_1171
The joy he exudes when brothers play ball
Tears and then laughter when one of them falls
IMG_1138
He’ll often be seen, his tongue tasting air
 settled on the stoop, pondering there
IMG_1127
What is he thinking, what treats are in store
for this legend in training, this blessing and more?
IMG_1151
As Grammy, I’d tell you, “he’s deep like his roots”
But honestly his passion is only his BOOTS!

IMG_1145

Honey, I hate to bug you…

I’ve given him space; allowed for hours of

R(elaxing) and R(eclining)

So, I thought I’d ask an

itsy bitsy favor…

(Me having a broken leg and all)

“Honey…would you mind putting up the flag pole for me?”

He seemed

willing enough…

He did a good job

without complaint…

Put it right where I

wanted it…

“Gee, thanks Hon…looks great”.

He then returned to

R(ecline) & R(elax)…

Having done

such a fine job…

He hadn’t appeared

at all perturbed

or overly taxed

after finishing this

itsy bitsy favor

for his dear ol’ incapacitated Ma

But…apparently we are in a

‘one and done’ situation here…

EeeK…all I did was walk into the room!

For those of you thinking the little darlins’

EVER change?

Think again!

Gotta love’em

🙂

One Day

By dinner time tomorrow, our soggy, box-full, furniture-empty, house will feel like home despite it all.

IMG_0024

He leaves the deep freeze on the shores of the Arctic Ocean tonight and will arrive on the unusually frozen southern shores of the Atlantic tomorrow.  Knowing he had not planned on bringing his arctic gear, an emergency phone call took care of that.  True winter in the lower 48 awaits his arrival.  He doesn’t mind though, winter is kind of his thing…

matt2

We’ve not seen him for over a year, Christmas 2012 to be exact. So much has happened in his life and ours since then, I’m not sure his two weeks will be enough time to sort it all out.  And sort it out we must, for as much excitement as there is in his return, it wears the shroud of sadness that only a broken heart wears.

You see, he fell in love with a dog, who owned the girl, that stole our son’s heart…

tandum

He chose the ring for the knot that means a great deal to her and announced to the world “SHE SAID YES!” on July 20th…

the ring

She chose the dress in the color that says “I am not afraid as I face the world with the man I love

the dress

They chose the date, Friday, February 13, 2015, to tell the world “We have no fear of your superstitions, we’ll face it together

They spent every spare moment they had together, traveling the land they both love so much…

matts land

One of the hardest things to witness is the breaking of your child’s heart.  Whether 2 or 25, the heart cares not the why or the how, only that it’s a pain unlike any other.

The life plan has changed. The love won, now lost. “She said yes!” echoes hollowly in the darkness following “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want to be with anyone”

As his mother, I grieve for his tender heart and shattered dreams.

As his mother I silently thank the girl for knowing this truth now and being brave enough to say so.

As his mother, I weep for and with him, longing to make it better, but knowing I can offer nothing but a safe place for him to cry.

So, it’s time for this boy, this man, our Matthew, to come home to slide into the open arms of his Dad and me; the only place he can let it all go.

The place where the man can again be the boy who needs what only his family can give him…a safe place to grieve, a hearth to warm the bone deep chill of lost love, and the touch of those that know the truest nature of him…love.  He shines with it and has since he was born.

He will find The One.

Someday.

One who will see him for who he is, and love him completely for it.

We know this.

He will too.

One Day.

Until then, we’ll do what we have always done…love him, guide him beyond his feeling foolish for having loved “too much”.  With the gentlest of reminders that no love is ever foolish or ever wasted or ever “too much”. That to deny the best part of himself for fear of being hurt this way again, would be to deny the very air he breathes.

He won’t.  He can’t.  It’s not in him.

As his mother, this I know.

Welcome Home Matthew…where the heart is

matt1matt 3