From One Boomer to Another…yikes!

1966 – 2016

1966 : Long hair
2016:  Longing for hair

1966 : KEG
2016:  EKG

1966 : Acid rock
2016:  Acid reflux

1966 : Moving to  California  because it’s cool
2016:  Moving to  Arizona  because it’s warm

1966 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016:  Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966 : Seeds and stems
2016:  Roughage

1966 : Hoping for a BMW
2016:  Hoping for a BM

1966 : Going to a new, hip joint
2016:  Receiving a new hip joint

1966 : Rolling Stones
2016:  Kidney Stones

1966 : Screw the system
2016:  Upgrade the system

1966 : Disco
2016:  Costco

1966 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016:  Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966 : Passing the drivers’ test
2016:  Passing the vision test

1966 : Whatever
2016 : Depends

And…just in case you weren’t feeling old enough, this will certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshmen.

Here’s this year’s list:

  • The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1998.
  • They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
  • Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
  • Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
  • The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.
  • They have always had an answering machine.
  • They have always had cable.
  • They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
  • Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
  • They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
  • They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
  • They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.
  • They never heard: “Where’s the Beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel”, or “de plane, Boss, de plane.”
  • They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. Mc Donald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.
  • They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

Older Than Dirt!

A young person asked the other day “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?”

I answeredWe didn’t have fast food when I was growing up.  It was all slow.”

C’mon, seriously” he continued,  “Where did you eat?”

I sighed that older person’s sigh and answeredIt was a place called home.”

To clarify, I told him Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table.”  I further explained “And if I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did!”

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: 

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card .

My parents never drove me to school. I had two good legs and at one point a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and it only had one speed -S L O W

The first television in our house was, of course, black and white, but there was a screen we could put on it that turned the sky blue and the grass green.  The 3 stations we had went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.  The only stuff worth watching was on Saturday mornings and Sunday nights.  Period!

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line and before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people weren’t already using the line.  If so, you’d hang up and wait.  Or if you were like me, you’d listen 😉

Pizzas were not delivered to our home… But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers.  My brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week before school and on Saturday.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies!  There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive .

(Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?)

Another memory (that, according to this generation, prove I’m older than dirt!)

Have you ever seen a cola bottle with a stopper with holes in it and wondered what it was?  Did you ever see your mother or grandmother iron and see them use it?  If yes, you are as old as dirt too!  If not, you’ll have no idea.  I’ve heard kids guess it was a homemade salt shaker.  Wrong.  It was to sprinkle water on clothes that were being ironed.  They didn’t have steam irons, so they made their own!  I got a steam iron when I got married, but before then?
Sprinkle Sprinkle Sprinkle!

(Man, I am old!)

Okay, here’s an Older Than Dirt Quiz :

How many do you remember?  Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about  (Ratings at the bottom)

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
Ignition switches on the dashboard

Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards

Wearing plastic bread bags over your shoes instead of boots

Curling irons you heat on a gas burner or wood stove
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
 
Candy cigarettes
Coffee shops with table side juke boxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles 
Party lines on the telephones
 
Newsreels before the movie

Serials and cartoons before the movie
Drive Ins
TV
test patterns that came on at night after the last show before and were there until TV shows started again in the morning
Peashooters
Cap guns
It’s Howdy Doody
 Time
45s and 78s records
33 1/3 Hi-fi records
Metal ice trays with lever
 
Blue flashbulbs
 
Cork popguns
 
Studebakers
 
Wash tub wringers
 
Outhouses

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age
If you remembered 11+ = You’re older than dirt !!

We might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of our lives

To Dye For

hunza_woman_f

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?

God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and cover her grays and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of that ambulance?
?
?
?
?
?
younger hunzu
God replied: “I didn’t recognize you

***
The lesson here?
Easy…she should have worn her hearing aids!
😉
Save a life…support your local Audiologist


(random images from google search)

Smokin’ in the Rain

smoking in the rain

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene:- What in the hell is that?

Jane:- A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene-: Where did you get it?…

Jane:- You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted.

 

WHO KNEW?

A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy , clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”
😳
HomeBanner3

The Ear Infection

My posts have been rather heavy of late (my Mother said I had a toilet mouth!) so I think it’s time to lighten things up.  Let’s see…one sec while I rummage through my email funny file.  Ah Ha!  Got one I think you might like and though I have to resort to using my toilet mouth a time or two…it’s gotta be real.  Ya know?


Okay…here we go:

The Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it…
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my **penis**’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.’
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice…
‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
😳
The waiting room erupted in laughter…
 Mess with seniors, and you’re going to lose.

Any Other Questions??

 

If it ain’t broke…

land mines
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,

‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,

“Land mines.”

In The Meantime…

I’ve been MIA for a while, having traveled to Vermont to spend some time with the folks, and since, have decided to stay another couple weeks…so, I thought I’d share a little quirky quickie so you don’t COMPLETELY forget me  😉

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:

Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn’t come back yet.

Inspector : What is her height?

Husband  : I never checked.

Inspector : Slim or healthy?

Husband  : Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector : Color of eyes?

Husband  : Never noticed.

Inspector : Color of hair?

Husband  : Changes according to the season.

Inspector : What was she wearing?

Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector : Was she driving?

Husband : Yes.

Inspector : Tell me the number, name & color of the car?

Husband : Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.  And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

(And then the husband started crying…)

Inspector: Don’t worry sirWe will find your car.

Right?

😆

Hope you are all doin’ fine!

Language Barriers :O

Our bus stopped and 2 Italian men got on.
They sat down in the seat in front of me and engaged in an animated conversation.

I ignored them at first,
But my attention was galvanized when I heard one of them say the following:

“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

I can’t take it anymore…
“Hey, you foul-mouthed sex obsessed pigs!”  I retorted indignantly, hissing between my teeth.
‘In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” animatedly exclaimed the one.

“Whooza talkina about sex?” asked the other, looking completely perplexed.

“I’m a justa tellina my frienda how to spell Mississippi” the first cried, looking at me like I had two heads.

Bet ya a buck you’re going to read it again!

😉