SOMEONE has to be the Grownup!

This is where they’ll be this time tomorrow…

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Would YOU say no?

No, didn’t think so.

Headed to one of my favorite places so Mom can spend time with the ‘girls’…friends of a certain age who haven’t ‘laughed like they used to’ for more than 20 years…think they’ll have fun?

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Yeah…me too.

Hopefully I’ll come back with stories to tell and photos to share…along with a sunburn.

Outer Banks…the Mother Duck’rs are coming…you ready?

Where do you find your smile?

The day began as every day begins…and then it smiled

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Royal Mail with Her wax seal + A pretty postcard of the perfect English cottage + A letter written in the Queen’s own hand = Finding my Smile 

I found my smile wiggling its way through squiggly handwriting, wrapped in baby blue, royally sealed with wax and friendship

And after thousands of miles…in my mailbox

Where do you find yours?

Part II – Opening a Window

today she wakes
and looks in the mirror
again
she notices first
that she is not alone
there, in the reflected layers of her life
a reunion of all who have walked with her
loved with her
laughed and cried with her
survived with her
leaving pieces of their own hearts, like beacons
along the path she now travels
softly focused, each smile touches her soul
some, instantly recognizable
familiar and loved faces of those who have made a difference in her life
how could she have forgotten?
others are strangers, unknown and unmet
but she hears them whisper…
you have made a difference in ours
how could she have known?
so many
she never realized
the power of one
but she feels its truth in the swelling of her heart

she feels him there
she doesn’t have to seek him out
in every layer, his is the brightest light
drawing her back through each layer
back and back and back to their beginning
he shows her and whispers to her heart…
“this is how you’ll always be to me; this is how I’ll always be to you”
he takes her hand and moves forward
she sees the evolution of their lives
the birth of their greatest joy
great gains and greater losses
buds of youth giving way to blossoms of senescence
destined to fall from the tree of life
as all things must
closer and closer and closer
to this moment of here and now
he shows her and whispers to her heart…
“I am and always will be”
“You are and have always been”
“Nothing else matters”
“Nothing will ever change that”

she turns, eyes bright with unshed tears
she sees
lines deep beside her smiling mouth
she knows
love’s power surging through her veins
she feels
whole

then…
she opens the window

How Does Your Garden Grow

As some of you know…this has been quite a year for me

A year of losing a marriage of 31 years

A year of therapy and doctors and pills – (over, over, and no mas!)

A year of knowing time is short and getting shorter, with my beloved father; my Superman

Losing our beloved Ripken after only 10 years of furry joy

But also…

A year in which I found hope for new life and new love after 50

However, through it all…the worst of it…I found the best of it

The bare truth, the ugly truth, but the truth, just the same

And there is beauty in that

This is not a sad tale

I’ll say it first; say it loud and clear, my husband and I are together again

And while there are reasons for couples who’ve been together as long as we have been, to find themselves where we did…

There are also reasons to find ourselves where we are now

After we separated and during our time apart, I did find love

And while it proved to not be what I thought and felt it was

I learned I needed the possibility of it

I had to have it

I had to know it was possible

Not with him, as that is done before it ever really began

But knowing the capacity for that kind of love is still in me, has helped me understand

In some small way, that the man I chose 31 years ago deserves nothing less than what I promised him so long ago

And too…So. Do. I. 

It is with his blessing and understanding, which comes from the love and trust I know he has for me

That I am able to put the following out there because I must

For me

It’s closure of a sort

A new beginning of an old story deserves just that…a beginning

And in that same vein, the ending of the new story deserves its say.

And while that love was not, in the end, what I thought it was, it’s better as it is now

Friendship.  And a lifelong one it will be

I have NEVER taken love lightly – Any kind of love – Nor have I ever taken it for granted

But I find I have always needed the kind of love of which I speak and know too that I can’t settle for less

Nor would I want a partner who would either

And it’s there, still, with the man I married

It had gotten tangled in the weeds, but it’s there

My garden is all but free of the weeds now

Mostly clear, and clean, and ready for next year’s bounty

What’s left to be done is this…and it is with love for this someone who has become, if not what I thought, at least what I needed at the time, and what I’ll always need at all times…

A true friend and A beloved one

It’s rarely pretty, this finding love and losing love

It’s not always complimentary, exposing ourselves the way we do

But I love my friend, as much now as ever

And I hope he understands, as I now do, that the truth, given OR received, is never wasted on ones we love:

Rode hard, put away wet
Know the term? You do I bet
But here’s the thing…well, more than one
We all have dreams, or at least want some

We read the words from men like you
Meant to shock, arouse, and lube
Don’t get me wrong, they do all that
But there’s more to see here than that

If you’ll allow, I will explain
In rhyming time and sweet refrain
That which delineates the sexes
It’s more than just muscle reflexes

The matter of perspective arises
Far above your “cash and prizes”
As women go, I’m plain at best
At least the shell, the crust, the vest

But underneath, (not just for me)
There is a fire, so plain to see
But only plain to those who dare
To look beyond the graying hair

The less than fit, the age defined
The stretch-marked bellies, the Swiss cheese minds
Women of certain elegant ages
Have printed upon their bodies’ pages

Their stories of love and pain and laughter
Their tales of lives that we’re all after
But when we fall for men who seek
The more fit, the young, the more sleek

We feel pity more than other
For negate they do, that once their mothers
Were beautiful in the eyes of one
The one they trusted, who gave them sons

But you close your hearts to love and trust
The only thing left is shallow lust
Which produces naught but sweat and cum
May be fine, enough for some

When the end is near in our lives’ journeys
We’ll lie upon our final gurneys
Does one suppose he’s surrounded by
The lithe, the fit, the candy eye?

I fear, my love, that won’t be so
Fear even more there will be no
One at all, regardless of..
The state of fitness..nor of love

For if you set your sites so low
As to allow for only those
That please the eye, the prick, the glands
Forever you’ll dwell in Never Land

Even Peter Pan learned the trick
To not just grow, but teach his dick
That though the fit and the buff
Will feast the eye, it’s not enough

To satisfy a life long need
To touch a heart, to plant a seed
In love and trust, eternal gladness
To have that one to share the madness

Of every day life in every days ways
Of every day love and yes, the haze
Of lust and fear and pain and sorrows
Of knowing they’re there through our tomorrows

My wish, my hope, my fear, my joy
All rolled in one for you my boy
Is that the day you meet the end
You know you’ve done as you intended

For to wait upon the reaper’s time
With naught but wishes to fill your time
Is no way to greet the earth
The final rest, the final dirt

To know you’ve lived and loved and tried
With all your heart despite your pride
To give out more than you’ve received
No more we’d ask, no more we’d need

To face your death with lightened heart
Evolved from apes, from apes apart
Our choices bring us far above
What evolution thinks of love

For apes we are and apes we’ll stay
But apes are not all the same, I say
Some just fuck but some will love
Some for life, some far above

If it were not so, I would bow
To Darwin here, and Darwin now
But for myself, to this I say
Close your heart to love, you will pay

In the end, it’s all we’ve got
That makes us different, far apart
From just biology and lust
That fades, with time, and so does trust

The More Things Change…

“The more things change the more they stay the same”

I’m sure you’ve all heard it.  I KNOW you’ve all heard it.  It’s been around since the dawn of bitchin’ and moanin’.

It’s been several days since I’ve had a thought I felt worth sharing.  And today started the same way…empty.

That’s a word I’ve come to know very well.  It’s not a good word in any capacity that I can think of…

empty bank account

empty wallet (because of the empty bank account one would assume)

empty fridge

empty gas tank

empty glass

empty heart

empty feelings

empty mind

empty empty empty (such a strange word when looked at so closely)

I have decided this word is creeping into my everyday life way, way, too often.  And it’s pissing me off.

Is it the winter?  The, oh so cliché but oh so real, cabin fever?  I don’t know.

But, today the sun broke through, so I ventured outside.  With no plan other than soaking up that which has been missing for too long.  The light, the warmth, the overall feeling of hope that things will be okay.

As a winter lover, I hesitate to blame these empty days on lack of sunshine and warmth.  But as a woman in transition, I’m more hesitant to blame it on something else.  That would mean taking responsibility for my own feelings, right?

Like those feelings of self-pity?  Depression?  Lack of self-confidence?  Oh woe the fuck is me?  Can it be I’m allowing these dark, snowy days I used to look forward to, give me an excuse to stay inside and hide from the world I don’t always feel ready to face?

Yes.  Yes, yes, and yes.  That is exactly what I was doing.  And it took two people, my Yin and my Yang, to get me up and out into that light.  One is the left, the other the right.  The past and the future.  Opposite ends of my journey.  But they managed to meet in the middle…me…I am the middle ground.

The left says…”Get up and get moving; no one can fix you but you; I’m here but I can’t fix this; fix you.  You have to. I’ve told you I love you, but frankly I’m sick of your whining.”

The right says…”I love you and am always here for you. I wish I could make things better, but you must choose to be happy. There are things you can do, support is out there, use it.”

Okay, I paraphrased, but that’s the gist.  Love on the left; love on the right; me in the middle, feeling empty for NO good reason.

What is WRONG with this picture?

ME…that’s what.

So…why did I title this post “The More Things Change…?”

Because this is a pattern for me.  A pattern I need to change.  The more things have changed in my life, the more I’ve fought the changes.  And NOT the changes themselves.  No, it’s the roller coaster of ‘it’s the right thing, it’s the wrong thing, it’s exciting, it’s scaring the shit out of me, I’m worth it, who are you kidding’, emotional roller coaster.  Not the obvious ones, like divorcing after 31 years.  THAT deserves a roller coaster ride…and what a ride it has been.  But, for the most part, I can say that ride is over.  The extremes anyway.  Figuring out where we go from here is the next ride, but it’s not a roller coaster, it’s more akin to the Tea Cup…up,  down, and all around, sometimes sickening, sometime exhilarating, but always an end in sight.

This is not it.

It’s the bi-polar, manic-depressive (as a way of explanation only, she tells herself) emotions that I’ve allowed myself to fall victim to when things in my life don’t go the way I want them to.  I allow myself to lash out at those that love me for no other reason than the dog just doesn’t understand.  Seriously…if the damned dog would just say ‘I get ya Ma, I feel for ya Ma, now can I have a treat?’ I’d be better off.

Instead, I lash out, cry, feel empty, look at my life as a black hole instead of realizing I have a tremendous amount of love and support to be thankful for.  From the left and from the right and from everywhere in between.

That it took a short sojourn out into the sun to put things back in perspective is a little strange maybe.  But I am not questioning it.  If a bit of bright light and vitamin D turn my empty thoughts into ones filled with hope and remembrances of the love I have in my life; past, present, and future; then I say bring on the sun.

You are my sunshine…my only sunshine…you make me happy…when skies are gray.

Here comes the sun…get out there and ABSORB it!