“As the Shade Spins” A traji-com-edy of dysfunction and disillusion

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once upon a time

once upon a time

long ago and far far away, in the beginning of a dark and stormy night, it was love at first sight…then shit REALLY got interesting!

2014
The new year’s babe came roaring into existence
dragging what was left of her meaner older brother
2013
by the roots of his dead gray short hairs

I had hoped to see the end of The Year That Almost Totally Sucked Ass (T.Y.T.A.T.S.A.) around the same time I saw Massachusetts in the rear view mirror

Seems Ol’ 13 had other ideas.
Seems Ol’ 13 wasn’t quite ready to belt out Auld Lang Syne
And it’s obvious good Ol’ 13 conned his newborn kid sister into taking him along to continue the never-ending days of madness and mayhem

No way was he going out like a lamb
If he was anything at all, he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing
And determined to stick around for the final act he called

 “Wanna see the crazy old crow lose her mind?”

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WHAT’S HAPPENING?
(shades of poltergeist…at the 2.08 mark to be exact!)

My enthusiastic and optimistic return to enthusiastic and optimistic blogging in March of T.Y.T.A.T.S.A., has not gone quite as I had planned.  Then again, how does one plan life anyway.

I won’t recount the entire war, as I have already shared a few of the bloodier battles here already.

Those days were the “Once Upon a Time” and “In the Beginning” days.

And, I’ll leave it to you to decide whether to visit the “”Long Ago and Far Far Away” tales and wade through those deep and scoured trenches.

For now, if you choose, a quick peak at what optimism looks like (On the Road Again), then maybe a bit of “Love at First Sight“…

For soon, we’ll pick up where the shit REALLY gets interesting!”

Somewhere between Moving Day and Moving Day II

The can of worms is in the pan and on the stove, so join me for dinner and a show…

Next time on “As The Shade Spins

😳

White Space and Gray Matter…

I never thought, when I began blogging, that so much of my white space would be devoted to the subject of rape and sexual assault and abuse

After all, my blog is not called

“50 Shades of Retribution”

or

“50 Shades of Horror”

It’s called 50 Shades of Gray Hair

And as I write that last sentence, I realize I’m doing exactly what my tagline suggested I was going to do

Exploring my own 50 shades of gray matter

And in exploring what tickles me and ticks me off…this matter happens to be one big, fat, hairy, gray one

Matter that took me more than 45 years from the start of it to face, speak out about, seek help for, and begin the process of forgiving myself by working to place the responsibility where it belongs

Not in the heart or on the soul of a 5-year-old, 6,7,8,9…19 year old girl! Or 20, 30, 40, 50…..80 year old woman, if I’m lucky enough to live that long.

No!

It needs to be thrown into the faces, stabbed into the hearts, and tattooed onto the souls of both the familiar and the unknown faces of those with black hearts and ruined souls who felt they had the right!!

Those who felt they were owed!

Those who felt we asked for it!

Those who believe a 5-year-old wants it!

Those who thought it was no big deal!

Those who blame their victims!

The following link shows just how deranged, deluded, and dangerous these predators are.

In their own words…as (forever and ever) remembered and demonstrated by their victims:

PROJECT UNBREAKABLE – an online photography project that aims to “encourage the act of healing through art.”

It’s not pretty

It’s not nice

But it’s real

Very, very real

Please, take a moment and click the above link.

If it doesn’t make you mad, it’ll make you cry.

If nothing else…it should remind you to

never forget or take for granted the power of words.

In the wrong hands, they can fatally wound a heart, forever scar a mind, indelibly stain a soul

In the right hands…they can free the world…one victim and one share at a time

And this shade of gray looks good on me…a fighting shade, a warrior shade, a sharing shade

By all means, choose your own shade

Wear it loud and proud

But do the world a favor…Share it!

Thank you

R

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Related Shares:

http://susandanielspoetry.com/2013/09/24/survivors/

Masks Off

https://50-shades-of-gray-hair.com/2013/09/19/the-answer-heard-round-the-world-wide-web/

https://50-shades-of-gray-hair.com/2013/08/08/number-3-rape-rise-against-punishable-eccentricity/

https://50-shades-of-gray-hair.com/2013/08/07/number-2-rape-rise-against-punishable-eccentricity/

https://50-shades-of-gray-hair.com/2013/08/06/rape-rise-against-punishable-eccentricity/

https://www.facebook.com/RapeHurtsEveryone?hc_location=stream

http://www.reddit.com/user/twistyrockets

How To Dismantle a Life

Leave a 3 decades long marriage to the only person who ever knew everything about you, but forgot you were there while he got on with his life

Meet and fall in love with another, heart first, sight unseen, and for whom there was no question that he was my future and I his

Make plans together for that future

Share every detail of yourselves and your lives with each other

Become THAT vulnerable

Learn too late that you love too much, yet are not enough at the same time, and figuratively get left at the altar

Wonder why you are not worth loving, while you fall apart, feeling in your heart, it must be true…for the old one forgot you and the new one didn’t want you

However, be asked to return to that 3 decades long marriage to that one person who knew all along you didn’t belong anywhere but with him, no questions asked

Spend months trying to come to terms with being tossed out of one heart and not understanding why

And allowed back into another and not quite trusting why, but feeling grateful and wondering if that feeling is justified

Working to keep a friendship alive while the question still burns “where did the future go when I wasn’t looking?”

Working to keep a marriage honest and true, yet at the same time, struggle with the two questions “how can he still and how come he can’t” love me?

Helping a husband find a new path in life

And willingly so

While feeling the ghost of pain as the other follows another without you

Unwillingly so

Clearing your life of all material possessions because it’s all become too much

Watching your life put into boxes and carted off like box lots to auction

Standing in an empty shell that once held a family’s heart

Heading into the unknown in the second half century of your life with nothing more than you started with

Wondering if you’re strong enough to handle starting over

With the old love

Without the new one

And not sure you deserve either

And through it all, come to grips with your own past and its demons

Shedding light on a life spent in the dark in the most public way possible

Light that will hurt and help you…as it hurts and, you pray and hope, will help others more

Light that allows you to be okay with the similarities/contradictions of love and hate

But still leaves questions, burning questions, about whether you are doing the right thing

And needing

Always needing

That and whom, which does not want to be needed

No one wants the burden of constant reassurance

No one has the responsibility of convincing me I’m worthy

No one deserves the mantle of “someone to watch over me”

I’m a lot of work

And the only one up to the job

Equipped for the job

The job of re-assembling my life

Is ME

I’m sorry if these words or these thoughts spoken out loud hurt anyone

That is not the intent

As it is when assembling anything

We must first lay all the pieces out on the table

Take inventory

And (if female) read the instructions

I’ve found the instructions of my life are complicated, often in a foreign language, and perhaps even missing a step or two

But I’ll stick with it

Trial and error

Use my Yankee Ingenuity if I have to

So that in the end, I’ll be reconstructed, reassembled, or re-purposed…

Whichever it is…it’ll be me.

And it’ll be great

We must first break it down to build it up

Let the rebuilding begin

NO

Let the rebuilding continue…for this journey didn’t start today or yesterday

It started November 3rd Nineteen Hundred and Sixty

A long project…a lifelong project…with a punch-list of changes ten miles long

A worthy one?

You bet!

Did I ever mention “I had a hammer?”

Demon

There are times, quite often in fact, when we let our experiences dictate the path of our lives. Usually, the bad ones, or the self-destructive ones…it’s surprisingly harder to stand up than it is to fall down. I’m sharing Kyle’s post DEMON for the very reason that I struggle daily with my own demons and it’s always comforting to know I am not alone. Equally so, to have a friend who can bear the naked truth of the dark side of some of our choices yet show there is light to be found…IF we are willing to look. Thank you Kyle.

 

kyle mew

they’re a bunch of fucking natives, and they spout all this hippie shit about self-discovery and journeys into my soul and what-not. i nod politely and agree, but just so as to be polite. i don’t want to offend them, but its all a load of crap as far as i’m concerned. i’m here for the trip of my life. i’ve heard about these mushrooms, ever since i started taking drugs. the most powerful hallucinogenic on the planet. the trip of a lifetime. they are legendary and until now, i wasn’t even sure they existed at all.
i look at the pile of goo the old woman spits onto the plate. i understand why she has to chew the mushrooms first. she has been doing this for years, and there are enzymes in her saliva that will break down the mushrooms and prevent me from vomiting too much. novices have…

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BATTLE LINES

I AM PTSD

A Wife’s Cry

by Lindsay Hernandez

I live in the shadows of minds I overtake
I am with you, every time you wake
You try with therapy, pills, and rest
I will overcome you even when feel your best
I suck the life, joy, and happiness out of your mind
All because I won’t be confined.
I wreak havoc on family and friends,
Just because they want to mend,
The broken heart I do bend.
I make you feel like you’re going mad
Just because you have seen something bad.
You fought for your country proud,
Now all I give you is screams aloud.
I am in your dreams, heart, soul, and eyes
And laugh because so many have cried.
They cry because they hurt inside
For the loved one I destroy.
I make you sick, weak and cry,
All you want to do is try.
To have a quiet day,
With no thoughts of what is at bay.
Just so you know,
I have put you through hell.
The worst day you have seen,
Is not at all what has been
Stored up inside your head.
You will never get rid of me,
For I am PTSD.
I will haunt your dreams and your wake
You will start to shake,
Sweat,
Cry,
Scream,
Beg to rid me from your thoughts,
I will be there forever,
I have taught you to never say never.
You kiss the ones who try
And, most the time cry,
To keep you safe and calm
For the storm has started since 2006.
For I dig my claws,
In to all surrounding jaws.
They don’t know what to say,
To make me go away.
From the hell I create every day.
The pain is so tormenting and deep,
All you can do is keep,
Me all to yourself.
For you are a soldier who has been trained well
Once again to live in this hell.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I Am Warrior

A Mother’s Answer

by Rhonda

you hide in shadows like the coward you are
coiled and ready to strike and jar
me from those moments I’ve managed to find
precious few minutes of calm in my mind
your aim is true as you grab hold and squeeze
twisting, constricting ’til I’m on my knees
my breath you take, my blood runs cold
then your fangs sink, that’s when they take hold
injecting your poison, this venom so vile
that it renders this warrior unable to smile
or to laugh or to love or to reach for the light
that shines all around him, through the love in his life
But hear me well…that light, love, and faith
are that which will beat you, send you to the gates
of hell where you came from, it’s there you’ll return
to the fire that birthed you, in it you’ll burn
for i am a warrior of the red white and blue
one of millions who are battling you
you’ve gotten fat on the ones you think beaten
but their war’s not over, nor mine, retreating
is not in our credo, our oath is unshaken
we fight for each other ’til each has taken
that final march in the battle to destroy
the silent pestilence invading our joy
standing together, warriors all
families, friends who’ve heeded the call
our mission is clear, you a clear target
our ammo is chambered, and lest you forget
we fight to the death for ourselves and each other
for each of our sisters and all of our brothers
we’ll drag your disease ridden, slimy carcass
into the light, no longer you’ll mark us
in shadows or nightmares, or memories unbidden
this light we will shine until all is unhidden
you can’t survive where there are no shadows
you can’t feast on a mind where truth flows
perhaps not today and maybe not tomorrow
but you will not beat us; bury us in sorrow
we are warriors, an army of light
we’ll see you in hell before we give up our fight
we know your name, we’ve got your number
PTSD?
Fuck You – You’re OUTNUMBERED
HOOAH