American Pie in the Face

A long, long time ago

I can still remember how my stories

Used to make them smile

And I knew if I had my chance

I could make this keyboard dance

And maybe we’d be happy for a while

Sad to say that now I quiver

With every speech I hear delivered

Bad news on the right front

Worse news on the left front

I can remember that I tried

To keep the faith and walk beside

Those flinging arrows long and wide

The day we ran outta pie

So, bye-bye, our American Pie

Prayed for truth, reason, life and love, but was denied

Joined those good ol’ boys and drank some whiskey and rye

Then I told them we were all outta pie

Yes, I told them we were flat outta pie

How to re-write this book of hate

And can we find strength to navigate

Will the media let us be?

Now, I do believe deep down inside

That we can stem this mortal tide

Can you help me help them, you know?

And I know you’re thinking I’m insane

‘Cause I’ve tortured these iconic refrains

But we’ve all pulled on our boots

And kicked us back to our roots

It took two centuries plus to get this far

In the blink of an eye we’ve ripped the scar

And now we’re flinging feathers and tar

The day we ran outta pie

Try to remember, why-why we love American pie

Life’s too tough to stand and watch the past hate revive

The bad ol’ days were in the past we survived

Because we all remembered the pie

Please help each other make some more pie

Do You Have G@S?

Don’t blame me for the question 😆

I was actually headed down a whole ‘nother writting road when I was reminded of something I saw on Fartbook 😳 today that had me digging deeper to find out The rest of the story 🙂

It was about an overly flatulent passenger on a flight from Dubai to Amsterdam on which a passenger let fly 😉 toots that were sooo horrifyingly bad that….well, I’ll let you read some of the more descriptive headlines and you’ll figure it out!

1. IBTIMES.CO.UK
Fart Attack: Plane makes emergency landing after passenger refuses to stop breaking wind on flight!

2. FINANCIALEXPRESS.COM
Transavia Airlines Emergency Landing: Reason As Explosive As It Is Hilarious!

3. NEWSHUB.CO.NZ
Transavia Airlines Flight Makes Emergency Landing After Passenger’s Farting Sparks Fight!

4. THEREGISTER.CO.UK
Farts Away! Plane Makes Unscheduled Stop After Man Won’t Stop Guffing! (that’s a new one on me!)

5. BOING BOING
Fart Rampage Forces Flight to Make Emergency Landing!

6. NYPOST
Farty Passenger Forces Flight to Make Emergency Landing!

7. King C-Note from HOT917FM.COM
“This flight was no GAS!”

8. INC.COM
How Farts on a Flight Led to a Fight and Alleged Racial Profiling.

9. GULFNEWS.COM
Bad Air Forces Emergency Landing!

10. FLIP.IT
Passenger Drops Farts So Putrid Pilot is Forced to Make Emergency Landing

11. DAILYCALLER.COM
Pilot Makes Emergency Landing Over Passenger Dropping Booty Bombs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know about you all, but I think we needed a story like this to make the headlines today.

Don’t get me wrong…the stories monopolizing the various media outlets these days are important ones. And we as a society must pay attention to and get involved in, finding solutions when and where we can. Especially with regard to the tragedies at our nation’s schools. Of this there is no question.

But something non-political or racially charged…

Wait…there is one headline that does not fall into this category…and to me, it’s just plain ignorant and self-serving; maybe even hate mongering rhetoric.

Did you notice? Go back and read #8.

To claim racial profiling? Really? Do they think his flatulent emissions were trying to enter their country illegally?

Or perhaps their thinking was that his intolerable tootage was being used as a weapon of mass disgustion!

Whatever the reason behind that headline, it’s Just. Plain. Stupid.

Anyway…I was actually writing a post on another kind of gas when I was reminded of these headlines seen today.

If nothing else, I hope it brings a smile to your face.

Or maybe you’ll chuckle enough to release a little pressure of your own!

Hey, when you’re my age…the relief valve doesn’t always work!!!

Sometimes…it’s an effluent pump run amok!!

😆 Peace and Good Booty Bombs to All 😆

Oh those lazy crazy Sadie days of winter…

Ms Sadie loves it outside but she has one little problem.

She hates the cold.

Well, not hates…but does not tolerate it.

She vibrates…not tolerates. 😆

Unless

There is snow on the ground

True story (and very much like her hu-mom)

So…she wiles away the hours

Chancing a peek Through the Glass Dirty

Hoping for one thing

Snow…ahhhhh schweeeeet, schweet, schnow!

Or is it the squirrel?

Hang on…maybe she’s dreaming of summer.
After all, it’s been a cold, snow-less winter

No, wait! It’s gotta be the bird!
Her buddy Noodles may fly by any minute!
(sorry girl…not gonna happen!)

Sweet girl. Sweet Sadie…waiting for…

Anything Mom…Anything. As long as we do it together!

TEMPEST WARPED

As clearly indicated in this photo of my ‘elevated’ clock collection…time really does fly! Otherwise, how the hell did so much time go by between posts? Oh sure, a snippet here, a snapshot there, but basically…crickets!

Bad writer. Baaaaad writer 😦

Soooo much has happened since my last real update. But, as I recall (who am I kidding? I recall nothing…I had to re-read my last posts to catch up with myself!) we’d basically gotten out of our house and into Mom’s, only to turn right around and do it again when her house sold the very weekend we moved in. So, the crunch was on to find the new house to accommodate everyone’s wants, needs, and pocketbook…no easy task in the best of circumstances much less with less than 45 days to find (finally), contract (ouch), inspect (ahem, is that supposed to do that?), appraise (oooh look hon, we already made a hundred bucks!), and close (ha…they get 5% for that?).

Then came the moving part…and actually, I have nothing to say about that except it went pretty darn well considering the parties involved (namely….me!)

No T to the H to the U to the Gs this time! No Sir. Just lots and lots and lots and more lots…of shit-n-stuff.

Of course that’s not to say we didn’t have our adventures. Most certainly we did, but after we moved in, which was a nice change (for about 30 seconds!). And a post for another day perhaps.

But, to this point, we did find a character-laden property out in the boonies of King William County (and we all know what ‘character’ means yes?) quickly realizing we’d just moved into a time warp. And not in a good way! Suffice to say we move more Forward to the Past than Back to the Future 🙄

How you ask? Wellllll…remember dial-up? Listening to the pings and bongs and dings and dongs as we waited patiently (hahaha) for a connection to that new and wonderful and mind blowing experience called ‘the internet’?

Okay. So we’re not there but what we DO have is Dial-Up-Yours Darrell’s asshat cousin ShitForBrains satellite internet!

Oh Rhett…Gone with the Wind are those lazy hours of streaming and binge watching Netflix. Instead of watching Frankie and Grace hippy-fy the high brow, I’m watching the usage meter deplete faster than a three year old can make a Twinkie disappear.

No more swinging a Swiffer like she’s Ginger (oops…like he’s Fred 😳 ) while singing with Pandora where every channel is the best channel ’cause it’s MINE!

Gone is Dancing with the Real Stars on The Weather Channel Live because that’s been replaced with sitting Shiva to my dearly departed High-Speed Hank so I can spend quality time with my new frienemy, Manual Update in the lonely hours between 2 and 8 a.m.

What’s worse I ask…the frustration, the boredom, or the lack of sleep…I just can’t decide.

What I can say is…ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

I miss my FIOS

And what’s worse…

I hate that I do

p.s. if you’ve nothing better to do, the links in this post are to some of my aforementioned adventures in moving. just sayin 🙂

ATTACKED AT 4:00 A.M.

4:00 a.m.
The only light is the cold white glare of the computer screen
The only sound is the wishy washy whir of the washing machine behind me

UNTIL…(dun dun dunnnnn)

4:05 a.m.
The only light is the cold, white glare of the computer screen
The only sounds are the wishy washy whir of the washing machine, no longer behind but beneath me, as my (thankfully) wheeled computer chair shoots backwards, hits the machine, becomes the launch pad from which I launch myself on top of the machine, to make my none-so-quiet, highly unnatural, most un-ladylike, slightly animalistic, noises, after some sort of CREATURE landed on my nose, scaring the ever loving CRAP outta me, thereby causing a coffee-flood all over my computer desk, before I high-tailed it out of the laundry slash computer slash Ms. Sadie’s room, but not before turning on the glaring over-head light, so that I may (when brave enough to return) investigate this attacking, murderous, intruder and…DISPOSE of it!

4:30 a.m. (do not judge me…it took me a minute ok?)
The only lights are the cold, white glare of the computer screen and the 100 watt glare of the over-head florescent
The only sounds are the gurgling of the draining washing machine in front of me and the slightly judgmental, ticklishly child-like snickering (or so I imagined) quips coming out of Ms Sadie’s crate, and the squeaky, decidedly un-stealthlike, flap of my flip flops on the linoleum as I re-entered the war zone, having donned said shoes and my armor of well-worn sweater
To find………to find………to find……….what the hell…..to find……OH, there it is….at the bottom of my (spilled) coffee cup

A FUCKING LADY BUG!

REALLY?

A SCREAMING MEEMEE, CRAZY-ASS, SISSY-WOMAN OVER A LADY BUG?

5:00 a.m.
The only lights are the cold, white glare of the computer screen and the new, strategically placed, table lamp (10 feet away from the computer table)
The only sounds are the gurgles and whirring of the spinning washing machine and the slowly lessening, yet still slightly deafening, beating of my heart, as my flippy flops flap back to the kitchen to make myself a new cup o Joe

Sans Lady Bug

Go back to sleep Sadie (traitor)

Good Morning World

Now…EFF OFF!

Shades of Gray

I thought I’d be clever

When naming my blog

50 Shades was trending

With its wanking and snogs

I know it’s not porno

This little blog of mine

But it can get racey

When I’m into my wine

So when a day does come

That I can spend all in Gray

I feel I must share it

In my own special way

So I hope you enjoy it

These little snappy spurts

50 Shades of Gray(tone)

Trust me…it won’t hurt

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Mission Impossible OR As I Like to ask… Can We Shoot Him?

I bet at least once in your life

You’ve heard a guy say this

When he’s gettin’ his giddyap

Ready to goddyout…

SHIT SHOWER & SHAVE

Am I right?

Well…hold onto your knickers ladies and gents ‘Cause the Pesky Puke we all know and love…Elf on the Shelf ?

Is a FREAKIN’ TEENAGER this Christmas

{ACKKKKKKKKKK}

So, when HE gets ready to slither and creep and hide and seek…his giddyap to goddyout goes like this…

SHIT

elf5

SHAVE

elf2

SWIG

elf3

elf4

R E P E A T…

SHIT – SHAVE – SWIG – SHARE (eee gads!)

sHelf

thE

eLf

Please

Oh…and by the way?

Have you met the other one?

No?

Introducing…

MENSCH ON THE BENCH

mensch1

Yeah…He’s the older and wiser one 😦

OY OY OY

VEY VEY VEY

NOTSOMUCH

gonna be a looooong season

Just Write…Wright?

A familiar scenario.

3 a.m.

First coffee history.

Second half gone.

I have a fridge full of freshly cut up watermelon & pineapple; bowls of grapes, blueberries, and strawberries…and here I sit. Snug as a bug with my coffee and fruit (disguised as the bowl of leftover Ghoul Goodies no thanks to the ever lurking Señor SnacKattacK…the shadowy shit!)

Apparently I’d transformed into a chainsaw of human proportions while I lounged on the couch after the delish Cuban meal I’d prepared for hubby’s birthday, for which he thanked me by shaking my ass awake (for my own safety naturally) sometime around 1 a.m. to go to bed.

Humph…you’d think after 35 years he’d know enough to let a sleeping chainsaw lie!

**No matter the length of the doze…once she’s reached the critical brum – brum – brum – brrrrrrrrrrrrrr…**

Leave her alone!

Let her saw the damned wood!

Let her clear the freakin’ forest!

‘Cause…You wake her?

She. Is. Done!!!

For someone who hasn’t posted much in the last year, it’s surprising how much blogging has been on my mind lately. Do I miss it? Sure. Is it the writing I miss or the connections. Both. In equal measure.

So I suppose that’s why, at the now current hour of 4 a.m., I’m scribbling nonsense on a white screen, in a dark room, to restless readers, and faithful friends…in an attempt to re-ignite the engine.

Not the chainsaw one (no matter how much I’d like to sleep) but the writing one.

The only way back, as I see it, is to do it…and keep doing it…until the engine purrs once more.

Or ’til the gas runs out.

Then I’ll get more gas.

‘Cause…

The more I wread what writers write – the more I wrealize why writers write – when writers write – while writing what’s wright – or writing what’s wrong – writing is writing-that’s wright – write?

When?

When to be a parent?

When to be a friend?

When to speak the truth you feel?

When an ear to lend?

When do Moms and Dads step in?

When Jack or Jill are hurting?

When do Moms and Dads bow out?

When they’d rather you were averting

When is it okay to speak?

When they’re obviously in pain?

When it reaches the point of no return?

When there’s nothing left to gain?

When Moms and Dads knew what to do

When hugs & kisses soothed

When Jill or Jack were little ones

When life’s wrinkles could be smoothed

When two in love be-came one

When the sun set on that day

When is it the time to speak your heart?

When all you’ve done is pray

When confusion, hurt, and anger come

When sorry just won’t do

When their hearts hurt you know it well

When your heart breaks in two

When to be a parent?

When to be a friend?

When to learn it’s not your concern?

When they tell you so

That’s When

The Struggle Eternal

With love from Mom…

♥♥♥♥

momkid

You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

~ C. S. Lewis

If you harbor bitterness happiness will dock elsewhere

: Blame destroys your future…your future begins when you own your past

: Sometimes, all we need is one thing to create or welcome change.

: Alone…

: Together…

♥♥♥♥

: The second half is up to you. ♥♥I ought to know