One more thing I’ve learned and I think it’s worth a mention…
It could turn your world upside down
Those who need me know how to reach me…I treasure you more than you know.
But the WWW and I are finished.
I won’t delete because I’ve learned my lesson there…but I’m done.
Best wishes to all of you
I have loved this and have loved you all
xo
R
Today is my one year anniversary with 50 Shades of Gray Hair.
And they said it wouldn’t last…HA!
Well, actually, I do have a history…
Remember Help Me Rhonda?
So, it’s actually my second anniversary, but I’m trying to forget deleting myself.
But, all I can say now is “WOW”
A lot has changed (and thank God for hormone therapy!)
So, to celebrate my second chance, and to show my appreciation for all the love and support you have so generously and willingly shown me here these last two years, I’d like to spread some words of wisdom.
I know…I’m better at spreading ‘da poo’ and I will again, but for today…a slight change in tone and texture (eew)
The words may not be mine, but all the same…the photos and the sentiments are, and the lessons are very real.
![164422_10200718193788093_1281701548_n[1]](https://50-shades-of-gray-hair.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/164422_10200718193788093_1281701548_n1.jpg?w=660)
And finally…
Cheers and thank you all for the love
xo
R
Adventurers we ~ bravely tread
Winding walks through nature’s bed
Of scrub and tree and man-made reef
Tanks and troughs beyond belief
Wood duck, newt, and endless snakes
Jellies, horseshoes, sharks, and skates
But the nightmare prize goes not to tuna
It belongs to one, the one named LUNA
Pink of eye and white of scale
She reeks of evil, head to tail
But unfairly judged, as ‘book by cover’
For a gator’s a gator by any other…
…name
Apologies to Pete Townsend for maiming Squeeze Box’s lyrics…but you’ll get why in a moment.
Nothing like the yearly email reminder, to get me thinking about how many women are afraid of their first (2nd, 3rd, 4th, infinity) mammogram.
But ladies, there is no need to worry
INTRODUCING, the first ever, 3 day, 3 exercise, workout guaranteed to get you ready for your yearly ‘squeeze n’ squash’
MAMMO-CRUSH 3×3
By taking a few minutes, three times a day, for the three days preceding the exam, and following this foolproof exercise regimen, you will be totally prepared for the test
And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home
In preparation for these three days, here are a few things you’ll need to do ahead of time
1.) Make sure you have a three day’s supply of your favorite guilty pleasure placed front and center in the fridge, with this note:
“If you’re looking for milk, it’s in the door; if you’re looking for a beer, it’s in the drawer; if you touch this (insert treat name), you’ll be on the floor”
You might want something like this?
2.) Keep your car gassed up, your phone charged, within reach, and have your breastie-bestie on speed dial
3.) Take two of those ugly, black, metal bookends we all manage to utilize but keep hidden in the back of the bookcase and place them in the freezer
4.) The last step works best if you live in an area where you have access to people. If you do, there’s nothing you need to ahead of time. If you do not, however, you will have to use your imagination.
But…keep in mind the milkman, postman, paperboy, lawn guy, Jehovah Witness…you get the idea. But remember, you’ll need to tailor this exercise to fit a particular time slot if that’s the case
Okay…have you got all that? Three days, three exercises.
Ready?
Here we go…
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the frame
Shut the door as hard as possible then lean on the door for good measure
Hold that position for five seconds…12345
(screw the one-one thousand, two-one thousand crap)
Release
Take a cleansing breath and repeat two more times
Switch sides and do the same for (to) the other breast
Upon completion, reach in and grab (with gusto) that guilty pleasure
Make as much noise devouring it as you are capable of
Come on ladies…put your heart into it…I want to hear you MOAN!
EXERCISE TWO:
Remember those bookends in the freezer?
Take them out
Strip to the waist
Go outside and grab the first stranger you meet
(HOLD IT! I can’t believe none of you caught this before I did…but let’s REVERSE those previous two steps shall we?)
Invite that stranger into the room
(gender not important at this stage, humility is not relevant)
Press the bookends against each side of one of your breasts
Ask the stranger to place his/her hand gently, but firmly, against your naked back; just below the shoulder-blade, to steady you and make it easier for them to breathe warm, moist air into your ear
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can…kind of like this:
Hold
Release
Do it again
Switch
Smash
Hold
Release
Do it again
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again
EXERCISE THREE:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect
WAIT – NOW is the time for your phone a friend – Hit that speed dial
Once your breast-bestie has been given her orders and is in place, take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car
Give the go ahead signal to have her slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled
(This is a one and done exercise as you can see below)
Turn over
Repeat with the other breast
That’s all there is to it.
Three exercises, three times a day
YOU. ARE. NOW. TOTALLY. PREPARED
Okay…now that you’ve had your gentle reminder…who’s going with me?
😳
This Public Service Announcement made possible by the following sponsors:
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Paradise Breast Center – “Don’t say we didn’t warn ya…get that exam today!”
Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said
“My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said
“Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets, he’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third man said
“Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked
“What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said
“We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. …What about your son?”
The fourth man replied
“My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said
“What a shame… What a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied
“No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. He hasn’t done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
For some, you may be thinking “Ah Ha…Proverbs 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
For others not so biblically inclined, perhaps this…
For myself…Let it Be
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Today’s post…despite the title…is about inspiration. I know right? The title is kind of misleading but…
A friend told me today that she missed my ‘more-often’ posts.
Yeah, well, me too!
I’d been so busy scooping poop these last few months, I hadn’t realized they only thing inspiring me to write was shit!
So, her comment was timely in that I’d just read two blog posts talking about seeing the big picture, keeping your eyes on the prize, concentrating on the good, listening to your heart’s softly whispered ‘it’s all going to be ok’ when you’re mired in the daily shit that could otherwise keep your psyche locked in the outhouse.
To count your blessings instead of lamenting your woes and understand that life is bigger than the last busted bone or paddleless trek up shitcreek. All true, though as we all know, it’s not easy.
More than possible, but not easy.
Now, I’m not one to call myself particularly optimistic (I have my reasons), I do engage in this battle daily…trying to see the bright side, seeking out the silver lining or at least trying to find the humor in all things, counting my blessings, stomping on the sneaky devil ankle-biters that are always trying to knock me on my ass and piss me off. And while the war is ongoing…the battles are getting easier. My reaction muscles are learning new tricks (and I’ve taken to wearing armored high-top boots!)
But to get back to it…when Jules made that comment today, it did get me wondering why, with my new-found pseudo-optimistic outlook, I haven’t been inspired to post something light or happy or springy.
That’s easy…and sad…
It’s pretty obvious I’d gotten into a routine of slinging the contents of those overfloweth buckets of poo I’d been collecting during those last few shit storms. Namely…
“Areyajokin, Bulleffincrap, and Canyashootmenow”
For now though, it looks like storm season is over and it’s time to dump the shit where it’ll do some good. Nothing so wrong in my new garden that a few buckets of good old-fashioned manure won’t fix.
So, time to get to emptying them and refilling them with something that smells a bit better, tastes divine, and looks a lot like happiness.
Never mind that it’s sleeting and snowing…my backyard’s full of flying flirts, the bulbs are busting and bearing up, the seedlings are starving, and I’ve got just the shit for them.
And for you…at the top of my Things I’m Thankful For list…
But seriously…
Here’s to looking up, looking within, and looking out…to find your inspiration
xo
Last night saw the end of the longest running nightmare of our married life.
The move to Virginia
(a.k.a. As the Shade Spins)
(aa.k.a. Two Thugs and a Truck)
(aaa.k.a. The Snap Heard ‘Round the Block)
(aaaa.k.a. Row, Row, Row, Your Washing Machine)
Moving on (yikes, that phrase alone gives me heartburn)…
At 7:00pm we waved goodbye, with heartfelt thanks, to the crew that installed our new floors. Adios and gracias if you know what I mean.
By 9:30pm we’d placed the last piece of furniture, made-up the last bed, plugged-in and set the alarm clock, and hopped (the mattress sits about boob high on me. HE hops…I use a stool) into our bed with sighs (grunts) of exhausted relief.
To say the day went off without a hitch would be completely out of character for me, so in keeping with keeping it real…I suppose I must share that too…
I’m usually the one in charge in all things ‘house’. But due to my slight limitation in mobility, I reluctantly gave up control and took my place as the minion this one time, physically anyway. (For some reason my mouth just can’t give up being the boss!)
Anyway…I was placed inside the frame of the bed, to help place the box spring. But, as my hands were catching the box, my eyes spied the very obvious fact that the bed was NOT in the right place. Why weight it down with box and mattress when we could easily move it first?
So naturally, I dropped the box spring where I stood (I may have spouted something here, but I take the 5th) and turned to exit the interior of the bed frame so I could move the bed to where it belonged.
In doing so, I didn’t quite clear the hurdle that was the side rail…tripped…and landed flat on my face (and boobs and belly and though I didn’t realize it at the time, my left wrist.)
(Did you know that OOF is a real sound? IT IS!)
Anyway, I gave a shout out to the Big Guy upstairs, thanking him for yet another reminder of my bad temper, cradled my wrist, and left the other big guy to finish. Turns out, the tendons on top of my left hand took the brunt, are strained, and yell at me when ever I lift my hand…but other than that, the other bruises will heal.
Considering my history, I’d say this was one of my better days. 🙂
I climbed the mountain that is my bed, and sat up for a while, thinking about the last 10 weeks {‘how the hell did we get through this without killing each other?’ was my predominant thought} realizing that it was going to be the first night since moving in, that I didn’t dread the following morning.
The nightmare was over.
That light at the end of the tunnel that everyone talks about is there.
I can see it.
Today is the first day for the rest of our lives.
Today is a day for emptying boxes, hanging pictures, filling bookcases, marinating steak to put on the grill…
Today is a day for doing NONE of those things because my hand is screaming.
Today is a day for waiting for tomorrow to try again.
Today is a day for blaming no one but myself for things going wrong.
Today is a day for eating humble pie with my grilled steak.
Today is also a day for giving thanks that we’ve made it through the nightmare still optimistic about tomorrow, regardless of what happened 10 weeks or 10 minutes ago.
Today…Is a Good Day!
It is also a day for meeting our new neighbors…they just moved in…next door…a cute couple…and she, like me, seems to be in charge of the house.
I wish them well.
I offer NO advice yet will keep my garden open to them.
Welcome new neighbors…when you get settled, stop by and we’ll sit and chew the suet and reminisce about Moving Day!
First day out walking the neighborhood. Kept it short and sweet, didn’t want to overdo
But…
Things
Are
Looking
Up!
And…
So am I
But don’t miss what’s down below…shadows of Spring from the snow!
Not quite the Sunday Funny Papers, but when you’re in the mood…these will do in a pinch!
😆
😆
😆
😆
Today was the first day since December 10th, that I’ve been free to walk out of my house on two feet, sans crutches, sans male nurse disguised as husband, and just dooooooooooooo!
Whatever I wanted.
Whatever struck my fancy.
Just Do It!
So…what did I do?
I grabbed my camera and took her out on a date.
In Mini, who I’ve not driven since then either.
We’ve shared not one single moment of exploration time since moving to Virginia…and I must admit, that’s been worse than the broken leg!
Trouble is…the eastern seaboard is either getting hammered or getting ready to be hammered my Winter Storm PAX.
I am in the latter group…getting prepared.
Normally this would not bother me in the least. I mean, I’m a Yankee for God’s sake! I have ice in my veins.
(No..not THAT kind of ice…the pretty kind 🙂 )
But one must remember that I now live in the land of “OMG OMG OMG…THEY ARE CALLING FOR SNOW” people and that made for a poor ‘Mini, take me away’ day.
It was more a “Mini, get me the hell home because the people on the roads (and I swear…they are ALL on the roads) are LUNATICS and it hasn’t even started yet!”
I made it as far as Wal-Mart, a mere 6 miles from here, because I had some photos I wanted printed. I am supposed to return, but frankly, I don’t think it would be worth it. After all, I’m not collecting hazard pay and having just tasted freedom for the first time in more than two months…NO accidents for me, thank you very much!
So…I returned good ol’ friend Mini to the garage, took CC with me to the backyard, and having left the world outside my little acre to go crazy nuts…I spent a few moments with my VISITOR.
Besides…the skies are dreary, the colors dull, the vibrancy of spring not yet peaking around the corner…I think I found the best the winter has to offer today, right here in my back yard.
Tomorrow is another day.
If there’s snow on the ground, all the better for me and CC.
If not, then we’ll see what we will see when we see it.
In the meantime, my VISITOR and I shall be, for today, FREE BIRDS!
Life is good!
Just ask Lynyrd
50 Shades of Gray Hair 
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