Apologies to Pete Townsend for maiming Squeeze Box’s lyrics…but you’ll get why in a moment.
Nothing like the yearly email reminder, to get me thinking about how many women are afraid of their first (2nd, 3rd, 4th, infinity) mammogram.
But ladies, there is no need to worry
INTRODUCING, the first ever, 3 day, 3 exercise, workout guaranteed to get you ready for your yearly ‘squeeze n’ squash’
By taking a few minutes, three times a day, for the three days preceding the exam, and following this foolproof exercise regimen, you will be totally prepared for the test
And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home
In preparation for these three days, here are a few things you’ll need to do ahead of time
1.) Make sure you have a three day’s supply of your favorite guilty pleasure placed front and center in the fridge, with this note:
“If you’re looking for milk, it’s in the door; if you’re looking for a beer, it’s in the drawer; if you touch this (insert treat name), you’ll be on the floor”
You might want something like this?
2.) Keep your car gassed up, your phone charged, within reach, and have your breastie-bestie on speed dial
3.) Take two of those ugly, black, metal bookends we all manage to utilize but keep hidden in the back of the bookcase and place them in the freezer
4.) The last step works best if you live in an area where you have access to people. If you do, there’s nothing you need to ahead of time. If you do not, however, you will have to use your imagination.
But…keep in mind the milkman, postman, paperboy, lawn guy, Jehovah Witness…you get the idea. But remember, you’ll need to tailor this exercise to fit a particular time slot if that’s the case
Okay…have you got all that? Three days, three exercises.
Here we go…
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the frame
Shut the door as hard as possible then lean on the door for good measure
Hold that position for five seconds…12345
(screw the one-one thousand, two-one thousand crap)
Take a cleansing breath and repeat two more times
Switch sides and do the same for (to) the other breast
Upon completion, reach in and grab (with gusto) that guilty pleasure
Make as much noise devouring it as you are capable of
Come on ladies…put your heart into it…I want to hear you MOAN!
Remember those bookends in the freezer?
Take them out
Strip to the waist
Go outside and grab the first stranger you meet
(HOLD IT! I can’t believe none of you caught this before I did…but let’s REVERSE those previous two steps shall we?)
Invite that stranger into the room
(gender not important at this stage, humility is not relevant)
Press the bookends against each side of one of your breasts
Ask the stranger to place his/her hand gently, but firmly, against your naked back; just below the shoulder-blade, to steady you and make it easier for them to breathe warm, moist air into your ear
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can…kind of like this:
Do it again
Do it again
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect
WAIT – NOW is the time for your phone a friend – Hit that speed dial
Once your breast-bestie has been given her orders and is in place, take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car
Give the go ahead signal to have her slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled
(This is a one and done exercise as you can see below)
Repeat with the other breast
That’s all there is to it.
Three exercises, three times a day
YOU. ARE. NOW. TOTALLY. PREPARED
Okay…now that you’ve had your gentle reminder…who’s going with me?
This Public Service Announcement made possible by the following sponsors:
Forge Steely Grip Multi-Angle Vices; “You can be sure they’ll get the job done!”
Big As Shit Tires – “Your one stop shop for Off Road tires!”
Sprinting Like Hell Cellular – “When that call just HAS to go through, go Sprinting Like Hell”
Paradise Breast Center – “Don’t say we didn’t warn ya…get that exam today!”
30 thoughts on “Mama’s got a squeeze box, Daddy better keep outta sight…”
HA! Does that mean you’re my phone a friend? 🙂
Waaaa…sorry you’re enduring a mammo ~ only had one in my life and beware, it didn’t show my cancer. The ultrasound of my lump did. Just thought I’d throw it in for good measure since you liked yours so much. The things we endure in order to stay healthy!
I know…being a woman is sooo much fun. I’ve been through many, was actually only the first one I was afraid of…they are more a ‘roll my eyes, let’s get this overwith’ thing now…but I know they should not be the only thing. So thankful you doc followed up.
Me too…stay healthy my dear! xoxo
Good advice for us both! xo
Ouch!!! I’d laugh harder but it would hurt … xo
as in THIS would hurt or do you have something else going on SK?
as in THIS would hurt…I’m ok sweetie, thank you so much for asking…xoxo
glad to hear it..xoxo
That sound is us running screaming off into the night!
haha. don’t slip into any drainage ditches!
Ah, but you meet the best possible people there!
haha, true enough. 🙂
Yep….every six months. And when they reach for the paddle instead of the regular board? Run. It’s even worse. I shall send this post to my tech!!! 🙂 hugs ♥ Ok…let’s do this!
Okay…you’re on and because you are so good at it…you can be my breastie-bestie…you run over mine and i’ll run over yours!
Haha! Ok….you first!!!
aw shucks…you are always so sweet 😉
Oh geez… what the hell was that all about, SB????? I wasn’t sure where it was going… don’t know how mammograms are done really… wasn’t prepared for the very vivid analogies and descriptions. Think I should go fetal for a while and cry. Or talk to my wife. I did not know these things worked like this… for the love of snow, can’t they come up with a better way?
Man I am ignorant of stuff. Well, thanks for making me laugh and then making me feel a bit bad about it. Ha!
Just keep it in mind when your wife begins her own yearly squeeze and squash. If she gets nervous, be there to hold her hand…and keep your fridge full of goodies. 🙂 (seriously, though it really is a bit like this..it’s not nearly as hard as bearing children after all!) You’re cute
Ugh, I don’t feel cute… the fridge door image… ugh SB. Anyway, I’ll be there to hold her hand and make her a dinner, I didn’t really know this was coming…
relax nb…believe it or not…it’s just the beginning 🙂 wait until menopause! fun times. oh…and you have two girls too….haha…I think i’m feeling sorry for you now.
That was EXTREMELY painful to read!!!
and that’s only reading it. 😉
(fingers in ears…hands over eyes….) blahblahblahneneblahblah.. Dammnit, You just reminded me I need to make my next appointment. Dammit. And ouch.
an ouch of prevention Bon…