Mama’s got a squeeze box, Daddy better keep outta sight…

Apologies to Pete Townsend for maiming Squeeze Box’s lyrics…but you’ll get why in a moment.

Nothing like the yearly email reminder, to get me thinking about how many women are afraid of their first (2nd, 3rd, 4th, infinity) mammogram.

But ladies, there is no need to worry

INTRODUCING, the first ever, 3 day, 3 exercise, workout guaranteed to get you ready for your yearly ‘squeeze n’ squash’

MAMMO-CRUSH 3×3

By taking a few minutes, three times a day, for the three days preceding the exam, and following this foolproof exercise regimen, you will be totally prepared for the test

And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home

In preparation for these three days, here are a few things you’ll need to do ahead of time

1.) Make sure you have a three day’s supply of your favorite guilty pleasure placed front and center in the fridge, with this note:

“If you’re looking for milk, it’s in the door; if you’re looking for a beer, it’s in the drawer; if you touch this (insert treat name), you’ll be on the floor”

You might want something like this?

mammocookies

2.) Keep your car gassed up, your phone charged, within reach, and have your breastie-bestie on speed dial

3.) Take two of those ugly, black, metal bookends we all manage to utilize but keep hidden in the back of the bookcase and place them in the freezer

4.) The last step works best if you live in an area where you have access to people. If you do, there’s nothing you need to ahead of time. If you do not, however, you will have to use your imagination.

But…keep in mind the milkman, postman, paperboy, lawn guy, Jehovah Witness…you get the idea.  But remember, you’ll need to tailor this exercise to fit a particular time slot if that’s the case

Okay…have you got all that? Three days, three exercises.

Ready?

Here we go…

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the frame

Shut the door as hard as possible then lean on the door for good measure

Hold that position for five seconds…12345

(screw the one-one thousand, two-one thousand crap)

Release

Take a cleansing breath and repeat two more times

Switch sides and do the same for (to) the other breast

Upon completion, reach in and grab (with gusto) that guilty pleasure

Make as much noise devouring it as you are capable of

Come on ladies…put your heart into it…I want to hear you MOAN!

EXERCISE TWO:

Remember those bookends in the freezer?

Take them out

Strip to the waist

Go outside and grab the first stranger you meet

(HOLD IT!  I can’t believe none of you caught this before I did…but let’s REVERSE those previous two steps shall we?)

mammogram-scam

Invite that stranger into the room

(gender not important at this stage, humility is not relevant)

Press the bookends against each side of one of your breasts

Ask the stranger to place his/her hand gently, but firmly, against your naked back; just below the shoulder-blade, to steady you and make it easier for them to breathe warm, moist air into your ear

mammoNOT

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can…kind of like this:

breast-balloon-mammogram-628x363

Hold

Release

Do it again

Switch

Smash

Hold

Release

Do it again

Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again

EXERCISE THREE:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect

WAIT – NOW is the time for your phone a friend – Hit that speed dial

Once your breast-bestie has been given her orders and is in place, take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car

surprise

Give the go ahead signal to have her slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled

(This is a one and done exercise as you can see below)

Turn over

Repeat with the other breast

mammogram2

That’s all there is to it.

Three exercises, three times a day

YOU. ARE. NOW. TOTALLY. PREPARED

Okay…now that you’ve had your gentle reminder…who’s going with me?

😳

This Public Service Announcement made possible by the following sponsors:

Forge Steely Grip Multi-Angle Vices; “You can be sure they’ll get the job done!” 

Big As Shit Tires – “Your one stop shop for Off Road tires!”

Sprinting Like Hell Cellular – “When that call just HAS to go through, go Sprinting Like Hell”

Paradise Breast Center – “Don’t say we didn’t warn ya…get that exam today!”

30 thoughts on “Mama’s got a squeeze box, Daddy better keep outta sight…

  1. Waaaa…sorry you’re enduring a mammo ~ only had one in my life and beware, it didn’t show my cancer. The ultrasound of my lump did. Just thought I’d throw it in for good measure since you liked yours so much. The things we endure in order to stay healthy!

    Like

  2. Oh geez… what the hell was that all about, SB????? I wasn’t sure where it was going… don’t know how mammograms are done really… wasn’t prepared for the very vivid analogies and descriptions. Think I should go fetal for a while and cry. Or talk to my wife. I did not know these things worked like this… for the love of snow, can’t they come up with a better way?

    Man I am ignorant of stuff. Well, thanks for making me laugh and then making me feel a bit bad about it. Ha!

    Like

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