Apologies to Pete Townsend for maiming Squeeze Box’s lyrics…but you’ll get why in a moment.
Nothing like the yearly email reminder, to get me thinking about how many women are afraid of their first (2nd, 3rd, 4th, infinity) mammogram.
But ladies, there is no need to worry
INTRODUCING, the first ever, 3 day, 3 exercise, workout guaranteed to get you ready for your yearly ‘squeeze n’ squash’
MAMMO-CRUSH 3×3
By taking a few minutes, three times a day, for the three days preceding the exam, and following this foolproof exercise regimen, you will be totally prepared for the test
And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home
In preparation for these three days, here are a few things you’ll need to do ahead of time
1.) Make sure you have a three day’s supply of your favorite guilty pleasure placed front and center in the fridge, with this note:
“If you’re looking for milk, it’s in the door; if you’re looking for a beer, it’s in the drawer; if you touch this (insert treat name), you’ll be on the floor”
You might want something like this?
2.) Keep your car gassed up, your phone charged, within reach, and have your breastie-bestie on speed dial
3.) Take two of those ugly, black, metal bookends we all manage to utilize but keep hidden in the back of the bookcase and place them in the freezer
4.) The last step works best if you live in an area where you have access to people. If you do, there’s nothing you need to ahead of time. If you do not, however, you will have to use your imagination.
But…keep in mind the milkman, postman, paperboy, lawn guy, Jehovah Witness…you get the idea. But remember, you’ll need to tailor this exercise to fit a particular time slot if that’s the case
Okay…have you got all that? Three days, three exercises.
Ready?
Here we go…
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the frame
Shut the door as hard as possible then lean on the door for good measure
Hold that position for five seconds…12345
(screw the one-one thousand, two-one thousand crap)
Release
Take a cleansing breath and repeat two more times
Switch sides and do the same for (to) the other breast
Upon completion, reach in and grab (with gusto) that guilty pleasure
Make as much noise devouring it as you are capable of
Come on ladies…put your heart into it…I want to hear you MOAN!
EXERCISE TWO:
Remember those bookends in the freezer?
Take them out
Strip to the waist
Go outside and grab the first stranger you meet
(HOLD IT! I can’t believe none of you caught this before I did…but let’s REVERSE those previous two steps shall we?)
Invite that stranger into the room
(gender not important at this stage, humility is not relevant)
Press the bookends against each side of one of your breasts
Ask the stranger to place his/her hand gently, but firmly, against your naked back; just below the shoulder-blade, to steady you and make it easier for them to breathe warm, moist air into your ear
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can…kind of like this:
Hold
Release
Do it again
Switch
Smash
Hold
Release
Do it again
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again
EXERCISE THREE:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect
WAIT – NOW is the time for your phone a friend – Hit that speed dial
Once your breast-bestie has been given her orders and is in place, take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car
Give the go ahead signal to have her slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled
(This is a one and done exercise as you can see below)
Turn over
Repeat with the other breast
That’s all there is to it.
Three exercises, three times a day
YOU. ARE. NOW. TOTALLY. PREPARED
Okay…now that you’ve had your gentle reminder…who’s going with me?
😳
This Public Service Announcement made possible by the following sponsors:
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Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said
“My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said
“Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets, he’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third man said
“Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked
“What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said
“We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. …What about your son?”
The fourth man replied
“My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said
“What a shame… What a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied
“No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. He hasn’t done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
For some, you may be thinking “Ah Ha…Proverbs 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
For others not so biblically inclined, perhaps this…
London Bus advert that caught my eye
For myself…Let it Be
And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be For though they may be parted There is still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be Let it be, let it be Yeah there will be an answer, let it be Let it be, let it be Let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Today’s post…despite the title…is about inspiration. I know right? The title is kind of misleading but…
A friend told me today that she missed my ‘more-often’ posts.
Yeah, well, me too!
I’d been so busy scooping poop these last few months, I hadn’t realized they only thing inspiring me to write was shit!
So, her comment was timely in that I’d just read two blog posts talking about seeing the big picture, keeping your eyes on the prize, concentrating on the good, listening to your heart’s softly whispered ‘it’s all going to be ok’ when you’re mired in the daily shit that could otherwise keep your psyche locked in the outhouse.
To count your blessings instead of lamenting your woes and understand that life is bigger than the last busted bone or paddleless trek up shitcreek. All true, though as we all know, it’s not easy.
More than possible, but not easy.
Now, I’m not one to call myself particularly optimistic (I have my reasons), I do engage in this battle daily…trying to see the bright side, seeking out the silver lining or at least trying to find the humor in all things, counting my blessings, stomping on the sneaky devil ankle-biters that are always trying to knock me on my ass and piss me off. And while the war is ongoing…the battles are getting easier. My reaction muscles are learning new tricks (and I’ve taken to wearing armored high-top boots!)
But to get back to it…when Jules made that comment today, it did get me wondering why, with my new-found pseudo-optimistic outlook, I haven’t been inspired to post something light or happy or springy.
That’s easy…and sad…
It’s pretty obvious I’d gotten into a routine of slinging the contents of those overfloweth buckets of poo I’d been collecting during those last few shit storms. Namely…
“Areyajokin, Bulleffincrap, and Canyashootmenow”
For now though, it looks like storm season is over and it’s time to dump the shit where it’ll do some good. Nothing so wrong in my new garden that a few buckets of good old-fashioned manure won’t fix.
So, time to get to emptying them and refilling them with something that smells a bit better, tastes divine, and looks a lot like happiness.
Never mind that it’s sleeting and snowing…my backyard’s full of flying flirts, the bulbs are busting and bearing up, the seedlings are starving, and I’ve got just the shit for them.
Welcome Spring…it’s time for you to eat!
And for you…at the top of my Things I’m Thankful For list…
I’m Happy because… This is NOT my derrière Though after the last few months…it could have been
But seriously…
Here’s to looking up, looking within, and looking out…to find your inspiration
Last night saw the end of the longest running nightmare of our married life.
The move to Virginia
(a.k.a. As the Shade Spins)
(aa.k.a. Two Thugs and a Truck)
(aaa.k.a. The Snap Heard ‘Round the Block)
(aaaa.k.a. Row, Row, Row, Your Washing Machine)
Moving on (yikes, that phrase alone gives me heartburn)…
At 7:00pm we waved goodbye, with heartfelt thanks, to the crew that installed our new floors. Adios and gracias if you know what I mean.
By 9:30pm we’d placed the last piece of furniture, made-up the last bed, plugged-in and set the alarm clock, and hopped (the mattress sits about boob high on me. HE hops…I use a stool) into our bed with sighs (grunts) of exhausted relief.
To say the day went off without a hitch would be completely out of character for me, so in keeping with keeping it real…I suppose I must share that too…
I’m usually the one in charge in all things ‘house’. But due to my slight limitation in mobility, I reluctantly gave up control and took my place as the minion this one time, physically anyway. (For some reason my mouth just can’t give up being the boss!)
Anyway…I was placed inside the frame of the bed, to help place the box spring. But, as my hands were catching the box, my eyes spied the very obvious fact that the bed was NOT in the right place. Why weight it down with box and mattress when we could easily move it first?
So naturally, I dropped the box spring where I stood (I may have spouted something here, but I take the 5th) and turned to exit the interior of the bed frame so I could move the bed to where it belonged.
In doing so, I didn’t quite clear the hurdle that was the side rail…tripped…and landed flat on my face (and boobs and belly and though I didn’t realize it at the time, my left wrist.)
(Did you know that OOF is a real sound? IT IS!)
Anyway, I gave a shout out to the Big Guy upstairs, thanking him for yet another reminder of my bad temper, cradled my wrist, and left the other big guy to finish. Turns out, the tendons on top of my left hand took the brunt, are strained, and yell at me when ever I lift my hand…but other than that, the other bruises will heal.
Considering my history, I’d say this was one of my better days. 🙂
I climbed the mountain that is my bed, and sat up for a while, thinking about the last 10 weeks {‘how the hell did we get through this without killing each other?’ was my predominant thought} realizing that it was going to be the first night since moving in, that I didn’t dread the following morning.
The nightmare was over.
That light at the end of the tunnel that everyone talks about is there.
I can see it.
Today is the first day for the rest of our lives.
Today is a day for emptying boxes, hanging pictures, filling bookcases, marinating steak to put on the grill…
Today is a day for doing NONE of those things because my hand is screaming.
Today is a day for waiting for tomorrow to try again.
Today is a day for blaming no one but myself for things going wrong.
Today is a day for eating humble pie with my grilled steak.
Today is also a day for giving thanks that we’ve made it through the nightmare still optimistic about tomorrow, regardless of what happened 10 weeks or 10 minutes ago.
Today…Is a Good Day!
It is also a day for meeting our new neighbors…they just moved in…next door…a cute couple…and she, like me, seems to be in charge of the house.
I wish them well.
I offer NO advice yet will keep my garden open to them.
Welcome new neighbors…when you get settled, stop by and we’ll sit and chew the suet and reminisce about Moving Day!
Today was the first day since December 10th, that I’ve been free to walk out of my house on two feet, sans crutches, sans male nurse disguised as husband, and just dooooooooooooo!
Whatever I wanted.
Whatever struck my fancy.
Just Do It!
So…what did I do?
I grabbed my camera and took her out on a date.
In Mini, who I’ve not driven since then either.
We’ve shared not one single moment of exploration time since moving to Virginia…and I must admit, that’s been worse than the broken leg!
Trouble is…the eastern seaboard is either getting hammered or getting ready to be hammered my Winter Storm PAX.
I am in the latter group…getting prepared.
Normally this would not bother me in the least. I mean, I’m a Yankee for God’s sake! I have ice in my veins.
(No..not THAT kind of ice…the pretty kind 🙂 )
But one must remember that I now live in the land of “OMG OMG OMG…THEY ARE CALLING FOR SNOW” people and that made for a poor ‘Mini, take me away’ day.
It was more a “Mini, get me the hell home because the people on the roads (and I swear…they are ALL on the roads) are LUNATICS and it hasn’t even started yet!”
I made it as far as Wal-Mart, a mere 6 miles from here, because I had some photos I wanted printed. I am supposed to return, but frankly, I don’t think it would be worth it. After all, I’m not collecting hazard pay and having just tasted freedom for the first time in more than two months…NO accidents for me, thank you very much!
So…I returned good ol’ friend Mini to the garage, took CC with me to the backyard, and having left the world outside my little acre to go crazy nuts…I spent a few moments with my VISITOR.
Besides…the skies are dreary, the colors dull, the vibrancy of spring not yet peaking around the corner…I think I found the best the winter has to offer today, right here in my back yard.
Tomorrow is another day.
If there’s snow on the ground, all the better for me and CC.
If not, then we’ll see what we will see when we see it.
In the meantime, my VISITOR and I shall be, for today, FREE BIRDS!
I saw this MEME today…and it got me thinking, actually it got me writing. I wrote this on a group page I am party to….Politics Vs. Reality, but thought it belonged here as much as there. This is my mind on white space after all.
These are just my thoughts, opinions, ramblings, whatever. Nothing here is meant to inflame or insult, but I do welcome commentary, which I feel is sadly lacking in our country today, what with all the bashing and name calling, etc. going on.
For me, this is NOT politics, it’s life.
It has been pointed out…that the facts laid out in this MEME are not true. That could well be…Ben Stein is a comedian…and I take him with a grain. However, this MEME only got me thinking…not speaking on the merits of what is stated on it. Just wanted to make that clear. 🙂
I have thought about it, as many have, and voiced my opinion to those that supposedly represent me (Eric Cantor), to no avail. It matters not what We The People want…and hasn’t for a very long time. Left, right, or in the middle…it all comes down to the same ol’ shit…money, power, and politics.
*
There are some who believe what we have is better than anywhere else in the world. If so, then why are we trying so hard to be like everyone else? Why is it so important NOT to stand up and stand out? The freedoms we have as Americans have always been the most identifiable part of BEING an American. The whole reason those coming here, COME HERE!
*
I am not ready, nor willing, to hand my freedom card in just yet…I find I still want a say in what happens to, and in, my country. Folks who believe conservatives, Republicans, right-wingers, tea-baggers as they are so lovingly dubbed, are racist, poor hating, money-grubbing, anti-this, and anti-that…couldn’t be more wrong. Why the name calling and hating of everyday folks, whose goal is to live by the Constitution? People who would like to see laws of the land enforced and not circumvented for some and ignored for others? People who would willingly give everything we have to those that need it, as long as it can be PAID FOR?
*
I know that when a conservative talks about money, the hackles rise on some…but that doesn’t change the facts. The government needs it, so it takes it. As we are in the middle of tax season…how many of you that have done yours, have seen in black and white, on one page, just how much more of your money is gone? It would be fine if we could see the benefits being rained down, but do you? I don’t. We are so far down the rabbit hole and falling farther and farther every second, we’ll never see daylight at this rate.
*
To say the government has the right to take it, without asking for it, is wrong! The fact that they do it, even more so. We used to have a say, through our House of Representatives, how and how much. When did we vote to give up that right? Ummm, never.
*
We continually throw good money after bad. Good intentioned? Sure…no one deserves to be left in the dark hole of poverty, scrounging for the very basic needs of life…NO ONE…and it’s the best part of our country and its citizens to want to do something about that…and we can…but currently we are dancing around the real issues…one step forward, two steps back…we need some tough love here. And yes, I’m talking about immigration, as it’s where we started and if we are not careful, it’s where we will end!
*
I am well versed in the laws of immigration. I am 32 years into a marriage to one. And along with his family and the multitudes I’ve met through them, and several of my own immediate family members who work directly with/for immigrants, we DO have a good system in place. So where did it go so wrong? I’ll leave that to you to answer because I don’t know, can only speculate, that money, power, and politics have something to do with it.
*
We are a nation of immigrants. To think we could, or should, survive without the influence and diversity these folks bring to our culture is ignorant and very short-sighted. BUT, we must do something about HOW they come in…not why, not who, but HOW. We have the law, let’s use it. If we need more staff, let’s hire them to get the log jam of those waiting undammed.
*
We cannot fix this overnight. We’ve wasted too much time and too much money already, doing things behind the guise of humanitarianism, while at the same time, adding more and more blocks of concrete on the heads of those in that hole. The hole is getting deeper and filling faster and throwing money we do not have at this is not going to empty it out.
*
It is not racist, or hate mongering, or elitist, to want our immigration laws enforced. It is not any of those things to want our country solvent enough to care for our own AS WELL as those who chose to make lives for themselves here. It IS wrong to condemn people who believe we should follow the law, live within our means, and/or live by the Constitution. Just as it is also wrong, to conversely, label those that feel we must change those laws or amend that same Constitution…it works both ways.
But anyway you look at it, any way you lean, any way you slice this good, old-fashioned, American Apple Pie…we are out of pie.
*
Before we can invite/welcome/help anyone looking for their slice…we must first, bake a better, more sustaining, pie. And we can’t do that robbing our future bakers nor by forgetting the most important ingredients…American ingenuity and common sense. Let’s find a way, or better use what’s in our larder, to do this before we invite the rest of the world over for coffee and dessert. Can we do that?
*
(the opinions expressed here are just that, opinions, and they happen to be mine)
*
If you want it, the link below offers some food thought, and it IS worth thinking about:
The hog…did he see it? Do you believe? Do you even care?
The movie…did you see it?
I shutter at the thought, but then again, after recent events…it’s a tad too close for comfort as far as I’m concerned!
Has anyone bothered asking the all-knowing fat and furry faux forecaster about global warming?
Just curious
Superbowl Sunday
Gonna watch it? Do you even care?
If you don’t follow the pigskin or if your favorite team’s not in the show…does it still make a sound in the football forest when helmets collide with the goalpost?
Just curious
Taxes
Have you done them?
Have you even started thinking about them?
Are you moaning now that you’ve been reminded?
As I gear up to dig out and jump in or dig in and jump out…I decided I needed a little light reading first, and since we are all in this together, I thought maybe you could use a little bit too.
So, after a foray into my email funnies vault…I pulled out one that celebrates the reason for the season…or…days like today.
The Human Male.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack…
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
________________________________
And now, a final thought before I dive into hours of mind-numbing mathematical mayhem:
♀
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
♂
{How a mind that rambled around the page like I did on this post, can even remotely think this is the right day to begin her taxes, is beyond me}
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