Ain’t Misbehavin’

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on…

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good…’

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either!

 

Thou shalt NOT misbehave when doing one’s taxes!

$$$ Happy Tax Day $$$

Groundhogs and Superbowls and Taxes…Oh My

2.2.2014

Groundhog Day

The hog…did he see it?  Do you believe?  Do you even care?

The movie…did you see it?

I shutter at the thought, but then again, after recent events…it’s a tad too close for comfort as far as I’m concerned!

Has anyone bothered asking the all-knowing fat and furry faux forecaster about global warming?

Just curious

Superbowl Sunday

Gonna watch it? Do you even care?

If you don’t follow the pigskin or if your favorite team’s not in the show…does it still make a sound in the football forest when helmets collide with the goalpost?

Just curious

Taxes

Have you done them?

Have you even started thinking about them?

Are you moaning now that you’ve been reminded?

As I gear up to dig out and jump in or dig in and jump out…I decided I needed a little light reading first, and since we are all in this together, I thought maybe you could use a little bit too.

So, after a foray into my email funnies vault…I pulled out one that celebrates the reason for the season…or…days like today.

The Human Male.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack…
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  
One mood all the time.  
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.  
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.  
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
   ___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
   ________________________________
And now, a final thought before I dive into hours of mind-numbing mathematical mayhem:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

{How a mind that rambled around the page like I did on this post, can even remotely think this is the right day to begin her taxes, is beyond me}

Beauty and the Beast

~

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
~
The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history.
Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?”
~
The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
~
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
~
The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor.
He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.”
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks,
“Can you top that?”
The tough old golfer replies,
~
“No problem, just get that lion out of there.”
~
lion_tamer

Hey Claude…how’s tricks?

Time for another Email Funny!  I LOVE my email buddies…:)

For your enjoyment…Claude the Hypnotist!

😆

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

“Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

SHIT!” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Center, and Claude was never invited there again.

Oh Lordy!

Oh Lordy!