Was hoping for inspiration to share my first attempt (sad though it is) at catching lightning.
I think I found it… 🙂
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’ ‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘but we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?!’
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
I’ve been MIA for a while, having traveled to Vermont to spend some time with the folks, and since, have decided to stay another couple weeks…so, I thought I’d share a little quirky quickie so you don’t COMPLETELY forget me 😉
A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector : What is her height?
Husband : I never checked.
Inspector : Slim or healthy?
Husband : Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Inspector : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to the season.
Inspector : What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector : Was she driving?
Husband : Yes.
Inspector : Tell me the number, name & color of the car?
Husband : Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.
Our bus stopped and 2 Italian men got on.
They sat down in the seat in front of me and engaged in an animated conversation.
I ignored them at first,
But my attention was galvanized when I heard one of them say the following:
“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
I can’t take it anymore…
“Hey, you foul-mouthed sex obsessed pigs!” I retorted indignantly, hissing between my teeth.
‘In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” animatedly exclaimed the one.
“Whooza talkina about sex?” asked the other, looking completely perplexed.
“I’m a justa tellina my frienda how to spell Mississippi” the first cried, looking at me like I had two heads.
In preparation for Memorial Day, May 26th, I’d like to share with you an event that happened in September 2013.
In France.
An event that was not overly (if at all) publicized in the US, though it should have been.
Thankfully, we have friends here and abroad who believe we need to see.
To visualize…just what it is we are memorializing.
Excellent History Lesson
A large percentage of our country doesn’t know of (or therefore, care) about Normandy during WWII.
Has it been removed from the History Books? Do they still teach about D-Day?
British artist Jamie Wardley, Andy Moss, and nearly 600 volunteers, took to the beaches of Normandy with rakes and stencils in hand to etch 9,000 silhouettes representing fallen people into the sand.
The piece is meant as a stark visual reminder of those who died during the D-Day beach landings at Arromanches on June 6th, 1944 during WWII. The original team consisted of 60 volunteers, but as word spread nearly 500 additional local residents arrived to help with the temporary installation that lasted only a few hours before being washed away by the tide.
9,000 Fallen Soldiers Etched into the Sand on Normandy Beach to Commemorate Peace Day on September 25, 2013
A visually stunning reminder of why.
Don’t you agree?
Save a moment during the upcoming ‘Holiday’ to say a word of thanks to all who have, do, and will…serve their countries with one thought in mind…
Apologies to Pete Townsend for maiming Squeeze Box’s lyrics…but you’ll get why in a moment.
Nothing like the yearly email reminder, to get me thinking about how many women are afraid of their first (2nd, 3rd, 4th, infinity) mammogram.
But ladies, there is no need to worry
INTRODUCING, the first ever, 3 day, 3 exercise, workout guaranteed to get you ready for your yearly ‘squeeze n’ squash’
MAMMO-CRUSH 3×3
By taking a few minutes, three times a day, for the three days preceding the exam, and following this foolproof exercise regimen, you will be totally prepared for the test
And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home
In preparation for these three days, here are a few things you’ll need to do ahead of time
1.) Make sure you have a three day’s supply of your favorite guilty pleasure placed front and center in the fridge, with this note:
“If you’re looking for milk, it’s in the door; if you’re looking for a beer, it’s in the drawer; if you touch this (insert treat name), you’ll be on the floor”
You might want something like this?
2.) Keep your car gassed up, your phone charged, within reach, and have your breastie-bestie on speed dial
3.) Take two of those ugly, black, metal bookends we all manage to utilize but keep hidden in the back of the bookcase and place them in the freezer
4.) The last step works best if you live in an area where you have access to people. If you do, there’s nothing you need to ahead of time. If you do not, however, you will have to use your imagination.
But…keep in mind the milkman, postman, paperboy, lawn guy, Jehovah Witness…you get the idea. But remember, you’ll need to tailor this exercise to fit a particular time slot if that’s the case
Okay…have you got all that? Three days, three exercises.
Ready?
Here we go…
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the frame
Shut the door as hard as possible then lean on the door for good measure
Hold that position for five seconds…12345
(screw the one-one thousand, two-one thousand crap)
Release
Take a cleansing breath and repeat two more times
Switch sides and do the same for (to) the other breast
Upon completion, reach in and grab (with gusto) that guilty pleasure
Make as much noise devouring it as you are capable of
Come on ladies…put your heart into it…I want to hear you MOAN!
EXERCISE TWO:
Remember those bookends in the freezer?
Take them out
Strip to the waist
Go outside and grab the first stranger you meet
(HOLD IT! I can’t believe none of you caught this before I did…but let’s REVERSE those previous two steps shall we?)
Invite that stranger into the room
(gender not important at this stage, humility is not relevant)
Press the bookends against each side of one of your breasts
Ask the stranger to place his/her hand gently, but firmly, against your naked back; just below the shoulder-blade, to steady you and make it easier for them to breathe warm, moist air into your ear
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can…kind of like this:
Hold
Release
Do it again
Switch
Smash
Hold
Release
Do it again
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again
EXERCISE THREE:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect
WAIT – NOW is the time for your phone a friend – Hit that speed dial
Once your breast-bestie has been given her orders and is in place, take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car
Give the go ahead signal to have her slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled
(This is a one and done exercise as you can see below)
Turn over
Repeat with the other breast
That’s all there is to it.
Three exercises, three times a day
YOU. ARE. NOW. TOTALLY. PREPARED
Okay…now that you’ve had your gentle reminder…who’s going with me?
😳
This Public Service Announcement made possible by the following sponsors:
Forge Steely Grip Multi-Angle Vices; “You can be sure they’ll get the job done!”
Big As Shit Tires – “Your one stop shop for Off Road tires!”
Sprinting Like Hell Cellular – “When that call just HAS to go through, go Sprinting Like Hell”
Paradise Breast Center – “Don’t say we didn’t warn ya…get that exam today!”
The hog…did he see it? Do you believe? Do you even care?
The movie…did you see it?
I shutter at the thought, but then again, after recent events…it’s a tad too close for comfort as far as I’m concerned!
Has anyone bothered asking the all-knowing fat and furry faux forecaster about global warming?
Just curious
Superbowl Sunday
Gonna watch it? Do you even care?
If you don’t follow the pigskin or if your favorite team’s not in the show…does it still make a sound in the football forest when helmets collide with the goalpost?
Just curious
Taxes
Have you done them?
Have you even started thinking about them?
Are you moaning now that you’ve been reminded?
As I gear up to dig out and jump in or dig in and jump out…I decided I needed a little light reading first, and since we are all in this together, I thought maybe you could use a little bit too.
So, after a foray into my email funnies vault…I pulled out one that celebrates the reason for the season…or…days like today.
The Human Male.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack…
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
________________________________
And now, a final thought before I dive into hours of mind-numbing mathematical mayhem:
♀
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
♂
{How a mind that rambled around the page like I did on this post, can even remotely think this is the right day to begin her taxes, is beyond me}
50 Shades of Gray Hair 
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