The More Things Change…

“The more things change the more they stay the same”

I’m sure you’ve all heard it.  I KNOW you’ve all heard it.  It’s been around since the dawn of bitchin’ and moanin’.

It’s been several days since I’ve had a thought I felt worth sharing.  And today started the same way…empty.

That’s a word I’ve come to know very well.  It’s not a good word in any capacity that I can think of…

empty bank account

empty wallet (because of the empty bank account one would assume)

empty fridge

empty gas tank

empty glass

empty heart

empty feelings

empty mind

empty empty empty (such a strange word when looked at so closely)

I have decided this word is creeping into my everyday life way, way, too often.  And it’s pissing me off.

Is it the winter?  The, oh so cliché but oh so real, cabin fever?  I don’t know.

But, today the sun broke through, so I ventured outside.  With no plan other than soaking up that which has been missing for too long.  The light, the warmth, the overall feeling of hope that things will be okay.

As a winter lover, I hesitate to blame these empty days on lack of sunshine and warmth.  But as a woman in transition, I’m more hesitant to blame it on something else.  That would mean taking responsibility for my own feelings, right?

Like those feelings of self-pity?  Depression?  Lack of self-confidence?  Oh woe the fuck is me?  Can it be I’m allowing these dark, snowy days I used to look forward to, give me an excuse to stay inside and hide from the world I don’t always feel ready to face?

Yes.  Yes, yes, and yes.  That is exactly what I was doing.  And it took two people, my Yin and my Yang, to get me up and out into that light.  One is the left, the other the right.  The past and the future.  Opposite ends of my journey.  But they managed to meet in the middle…me…I am the middle ground.

The left says…”Get up and get moving; no one can fix you but you; I’m here but I can’t fix this; fix you.  You have to. I’ve told you I love you, but frankly I’m sick of your whining.”

The right says…”I love you and am always here for you. I wish I could make things better, but you must choose to be happy. There are things you can do, support is out there, use it.”

Okay, I paraphrased, but that’s the gist.  Love on the left; love on the right; me in the middle, feeling empty for NO good reason.

What is WRONG with this picture?

ME…that’s what.

So…why did I title this post “The More Things Change…?”

Because this is a pattern for me.  A pattern I need to change.  The more things have changed in my life, the more I’ve fought the changes.  And NOT the changes themselves.  No, it’s the roller coaster of ‘it’s the right thing, it’s the wrong thing, it’s exciting, it’s scaring the shit out of me, I’m worth it, who are you kidding’, emotional roller coaster.  Not the obvious ones, like divorcing after 31 years.  THAT deserves a roller coaster ride…and what a ride it has been.  But, for the most part, I can say that ride is over.  The extremes anyway.  Figuring out where we go from here is the next ride, but it’s not a roller coaster, it’s more akin to the Tea Cup…up,  down, and all around, sometimes sickening, sometime exhilarating, but always an end in sight.

This is not it.

It’s the bi-polar, manic-depressive (as a way of explanation only, she tells herself) emotions that I’ve allowed myself to fall victim to when things in my life don’t go the way I want them to.  I allow myself to lash out at those that love me for no other reason than the dog just doesn’t understand.  Seriously…if the damned dog would just say ‘I get ya Ma, I feel for ya Ma, now can I have a treat?’ I’d be better off.

Instead, I lash out, cry, feel empty, look at my life as a black hole instead of realizing I have a tremendous amount of love and support to be thankful for.  From the left and from the right and from everywhere in between.

That it took a short sojourn out into the sun to put things back in perspective is a little strange maybe.  But I am not questioning it.  If a bit of bright light and vitamin D turn my empty thoughts into ones filled with hope and remembrances of the love I have in my life; past, present, and future; then I say bring on the sun.

You are my sunshine…my only sunshine…you make me happy…when skies are gray.

Here comes the sun…get out there and ABSORB it!