Author: Rhonda

Hi everyone! Welcome to 50 Shades of Gray Hair. 50 Shades is my blog of life over the hill, where each day is full of delicious opportunities to earn another gray hair. I stopped declaring war on the gray when I began this blog years ago. Instead, I embrace and celebrate them along with whatever life decides to throw my way, with (sarcasm forward) humor and an optimistic eye to the future. I think. I hope? I don't know. At any rate...it's real, it's honest, it's full of 4 letter words, and it's me...on a platter. I sincerely welcome you all to my porch....♥♥Rhonda

Today’s the day

Well, today’s the day I finally sit down and two-stroke this puppy into something more than white space!

That’s the plan at least…

We’ll see after a while if there’s anything here worth clicking on that little blue publish box.

Or if, as happens more and more lately, I delete the noise and walk away wondering why I keep paying for this torture.

Let’s see…

I have officially retired.

Is that worth a share?

Sure, why not.

Yay Me!

I’m a little early but sometimes a gray haired gal has to do what a gray haired gal has to do.

Sad though. Loved the job. Everything about it.

There is a lot of truth to the idea that employees don’t leave bad jobs so much as they leave bad management.

Oh well, a new shade in my 50 shades color-book right?

The hubs retired a couple months ago…

The look on his face when he got his first social security deposit made me laugh

(silently of course…uhhhh huh)

He said he didn’t feel old until then and I said…

“Honey, you think you’re old now? LOL, wait ’til your mother finds out! You’ll never have a free day from then on. Your new role will be her beck-and-callboy.”

Two weeks later he had a job.

28 hours a week of sweet freedom.

Trouble is…his days off have naught to do with R & R and everything to do with B & B

(and not the good kind…we’ll call his mom B)

Zilch

Zippo

Zero

Zeriously!

He’s so much in demand when he’s home…I call him Beck-y.

Oh, did I mention his mom and her husband left Florida and moved in with us?

Ohhhhh…how silly of me. I nearly let another Griswold saga go untold!

Geesh, I am rusty.

Those who know me know one thing; if it involves me and a moving truck…it’s a saga of comedic proportions.

I’ll put that on the back burner for now…let it simmer a bit, then fill you in.

I have to be more mindful these days (which is absolutely part of the comedy) of not only what I say, but oh so much more of how I say it!

B’s a bit, ummmm…

Literal?

Humorless?

Judgy?

I’ll put it this way…if I say this:

“Oy Vey”

She’s over there, peaking around the doorway, saying (to no one in particular):

“Why’d she say that? She’s not Jewish”

Yeah.

She doesn’t ‘get’ me.

AT. ALL.

(not easy when you’re the sarcasm queen o’ de-nile)

Anyway, I’ll give it a good think and see how I can share without starting a new Cuban missile crisis!

We finally got winter here in South Carolina!

Yup

Oh wait….crap. It’s gone.

I swear though, I had to put a sweater on this morning.

Really. I ain’t lying!

It was awful!

To all my northern friends and family I say this…

“Stop yer bitchin!”

Some of us have to endure shorts and tank tops and sunscreen all freaking year!

So, pull those suspender laden ski-pants up over your thermal tees and undies, pick up that shovel, and hit the driveway!

I don’t want to hear it!

Back later…have a lunch date and need to change my flip flops.

Ha!

(and B? I’ll print this out and highlight the areas you’ll want to discuss 😮 )

To All The Bloggers I’ve Know Before…

As I look back on the past couple of years I would tell people I was a blogger…I realize I always said that with a sense of pride and, I may as well say it, a sense of accomplishment.

These days however, whenever the occasion presents itself whereby I could work in “I’m a blogger”, I immediately think to myself “Who are you kidding? You haven’t written a single real word for years!”

Alas, this is true. Unbelievable to me as it is…this is true.

There are as many reasons why as there are why not. Rather than list them, let me just say, I MISS YOU!

The inspiration, the writing, the reading, the connections, the camaraderie. All of it. Equally.

Excuses? Sure, but none you haven’t heard, or perhaps even felt yourselves (as I have noticed I’m not the only one of our circle of many, absent without a clue.

So…I say the following, to my oldest and newest, in the order my old brain brings you to me:

NB, aka trentlewin.wordpress.com…I miss our porch-side chats and promises of scotch and wine, but do not EVER think that means I’m not PROUD as hell of you and follow your every move. I do try to comment on your posts, but WP seems to have an issue with my leaving footprints on your doorstep. From me to you…you are worthy and you are AMAZING!

Mim, aka watingforthekarmatruck.wordpress.com…I see you regularly on FB and can feel the happiness radiate from you whenever the grands are involved. In fact, whenever the family is involved. You have always been a stalwart supporter of those who have touched your life, and just to let you know…you changed mine. Regardless of time, regardless of distance, you are, and always will, be a mensch.

BonBon, aka paperkeeper.wordpress.com…Sister, I need an update on you. I have a sneaky feeling as much has changed for you as it has for me in these last years. I miss your smiling effervescence in the face of all that came your way! You were the Head of the Head Cheerleaders!!!

Paula, aka My Queen, aka, paulaaction.com. I follow you elsewhere and thus know you are as unlucky as you are blessed. As a fellow ‘it’s all shit until it’s not’ human being, I am happy for so many, many things for you…and send my heartfelt love to you for the things that suck. Please take better care of you, my one and only Queen. You are NOT replaceable!! You are also one of the few in my circle that continue to write no matter what! You’re a pro…let’s face it.

Paula, aka, stuffitellmysister.com. My Okie sister, fellow lover of all things simple and beautiful in our eyes. I am amazed daily by your posts of the kids and grandkids. Your life is a reflection of your inner light for sure. So happy for you and Marv!

SFAM, aka Susan Daniels, aka, susandanielseden.wordpress.com. Ahhh, what to say to the sister I’ve never met, but always knew. The pages of my life could use the poetry of your heart. I miss the absolute truth of you and hope dearly you are well. I’m sure, between the kids and the kitties, there’s some catching up to do! Yes?

Jules, aka Julie Goyder, aka, jmgoyder.com. There are no words…zero NEW words anyway, to tell you just how amazing you are! And now you are a GRANDMA! I could not be happier for you, and Ming, and believe your star was set on a path long, long, ago, and you’ll continue to shine forever. Miss you sweet woman…and think of you often.

Yvonne, aka misifusa.wordpress.com, aka, the shiniest light of shining lights. I see and follow you on FB and can say you have exquisite taste in four legged fellows. No matter the circumstance, your light finds its way into my world, just by being you. Thank you for that and bless you always.

Tink, aka crazytraintotinkytown.wordpress.com. Deb, I think of you often. These last couple of years have been hell for so many. It breaks my heart to think of it and know so many I love and care for have been touched in the worst way. Your voice is missed by me. Your heart is forever linked to mine. I sincerely hope you are well and want you to know you are loved.

Audra, aka, myunfetteredbs.wordpress.com or upchuckingwords.wordpress.com. I’ve tried finding you and have failed. You were always the one who knew exactly when to open the window and let me know you were there. I wish I could have done that for you! Miss you my friend. Hope all is well.

Annie, aka animalcouriers.com. What can I say…unconditional love to and from the greatest humanitarians I know. Your barks and purrs and licks on the face brightened many a cloudy day for me. I still follow your travels on another site…and am heartened to know you are going strong and steady. Honored to know you!

There are more of you, Lord knows, who have impacted my life. I have learned some have deleted their blogs, sadly, and others, like me, still have them but seldom write, and it’s assumed, rarely read. It doesn’t matter…you are all in my thoughts, and heart, and prayers. I constantly go back and forth on keeping the blog, deleting the blog, letting it expire. But something keeps me from doing any of that. Perhaps it’s you? Deep in there somewhere, perhaps it is. Then again, I erased myself once before and truthfully, am really reluctant to do that again.

Big Mistake.

Huge.

YUUUGE!

In the meantime, please know I think of you all often, pray for you always, and wish you all the best life has to offer.

Your friend in blogging, your friend in life.

Rhonda

and just like that…

we are done with it

it scratched, kicked, bruised, sucker punched, and killed some of us

it manipulated, mutated, trivialized, and traumatized

it had its beginning, its middle, and thankfully, its end

promises made, promises broken

families torn, friendships shredded

a little prick here, a bigger prick there

here a prick, there a prick, everyday a new prick

but

it is dead and we were happy to witness its funereal ball drop

good riddance you filthy annual

history has it now

2 0 2 1

a year that changed the world

2 0 2 2

begin…and good luck

A Thought

I had a thought today

Just one mind you…

American Pie in the Face

A long, long time ago

I can still remember how my stories

Used to make them smile

And I knew if I had my chance

I could make this keyboard dance

And maybe we’d be happy for a while

Sad to say that now I quiver

With every speech I hear delivered

Bad news on the right front

Worse news on the left front

I can remember that I tried

To keep the faith and walk beside

Those flinging arrows long and wide

The day we ran outta pie

So, bye-bye, our American Pie

Prayed for truth, reason, life and love, but was denied

Joined those good ol’ boys and drank some whiskey and rye

Then I told them we were all outta pie

Yes, I told them we were flat outta pie

How to re-write this book of hate

And can we find strength to navigate

Will the media let us be?

Now, I do believe deep down inside

That we can stem this mortal tide

Can you help me help them, you know?

And I know you’re thinking I’m insane

‘Cause I’ve tortured these iconic refrains

But we’ve all pulled on our boots

And kicked us back to our roots

It took two centuries plus to get this far

In the blink of an eye we’ve ripped the scar

And now we’re flinging feathers and tar

The day we ran outta pie

Try to remember, why-why we love American pie

Life’s too tough to stand and watch the past hate revive

The bad ol’ days were in the past we survived

Because we all remembered the pie

Please help each other make some more pie

Do You Have G@S?

Don’t blame me for the question 😆

I was actually headed down a whole ‘nother writting road when I was reminded of something I saw on Fartbook 😳 today that had me digging deeper to find out The rest of the story 🙂

It was about an overly flatulent passenger on a flight from Dubai to Amsterdam on which a passenger let fly 😉 toots that were sooo horrifyingly bad that….well, I’ll let you read some of the more descriptive headlines and you’ll figure it out!

1. IBTIMES.CO.UK
Fart Attack: Plane makes emergency landing after passenger refuses to stop breaking wind on flight!

2. FINANCIALEXPRESS.COM
Transavia Airlines Emergency Landing: Reason As Explosive As It Is Hilarious!

3. NEWSHUB.CO.NZ
Transavia Airlines Flight Makes Emergency Landing After Passenger’s Farting Sparks Fight!

4. THEREGISTER.CO.UK
Farts Away! Plane Makes Unscheduled Stop After Man Won’t Stop Guffing! (that’s a new one on me!)

5. BOING BOING
Fart Rampage Forces Flight to Make Emergency Landing!

6. NYPOST
Farty Passenger Forces Flight to Make Emergency Landing!

7. King C-Note from HOT917FM.COM
“This flight was no GAS!”

8. INC.COM
How Farts on a Flight Led to a Fight and Alleged Racial Profiling.

9. GULFNEWS.COM
Bad Air Forces Emergency Landing!

10. FLIP.IT
Passenger Drops Farts So Putrid Pilot is Forced to Make Emergency Landing

11. DAILYCALLER.COM
Pilot Makes Emergency Landing Over Passenger Dropping Booty Bombs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know about you all, but I think we needed a story like this to make the headlines today.

Don’t get me wrong…the stories monopolizing the various media outlets these days are important ones. And we as a society must pay attention to and get involved in, finding solutions when and where we can. Especially with regard to the tragedies at our nation’s schools. Of this there is no question.

But something non-political or racially charged…

Wait…there is one headline that does not fall into this category…and to me, it’s just plain ignorant and self-serving; maybe even hate mongering rhetoric.

Did you notice? Go back and read #8.

To claim racial profiling? Really? Do they think his flatulent emissions were trying to enter their country illegally?

Or perhaps their thinking was that his intolerable tootage was being used as a weapon of mass disgustion!

Whatever the reason behind that headline, it’s Just. Plain. Stupid.

Anyway…I was actually writing a post on another kind of gas when I was reminded of these headlines seen today.

If nothing else, I hope it brings a smile to your face.

Or maybe you’ll chuckle enough to release a little pressure of your own!

Hey, when you’re my age…the relief valve doesn’t always work!!!

Sometimes…it’s an effluent pump run amok!!

😆 Peace and Good Booty Bombs to All 😆

Oh those lazy crazy Sadie days of winter…

Ms Sadie loves it outside but she has one little problem.

She hates the cold.

Well, not hates…but does not tolerate it.

She vibrates…not tolerates. 😆

Unless

There is snow on the ground

True story (and very much like her hu-mom)

So…she wiles away the hours

Chancing a peek Through the Glass Dirty

Hoping for one thing

Snow…ahhhhh schweeeeet, schweet, schnow!

Or is it the squirrel?

Hang on…maybe she’s dreaming of summer.
After all, it’s been a cold, snow-less winter

No, wait! It’s gotta be the bird!
Her buddy Noodles may fly by any minute!
(sorry girl…not gonna happen!)

Sweet girl. Sweet Sadie…waiting for…

Anything Mom…Anything. As long as we do it together!

TEMPEST WARPED

As clearly indicated in this photo of my ‘elevated’ clock collection…time really does fly! Otherwise, how the hell did so much time go by between posts? Oh sure, a snippet here, a snapshot there, but basically…crickets!

Bad writer. Baaaaad writer 😦

Soooo much has happened since my last real update. But, as I recall (who am I kidding? I recall nothing…I had to re-read my last posts to catch up with myself!) we’d basically gotten out of our house and into Mom’s, only to turn right around and do it again when her house sold the very weekend we moved in. So, the crunch was on to find the new house to accommodate everyone’s wants, needs, and pocketbook…no easy task in the best of circumstances much less with less than 45 days to find (finally), contract (ouch), inspect (ahem, is that supposed to do that?), appraise (oooh look hon, we already made a hundred bucks!), and close (ha…they get 5% for that?).

Then came the moving part…and actually, I have nothing to say about that except it went pretty darn well considering the parties involved (namely….me!)

No T to the H to the U to the Gs this time! No Sir. Just lots and lots and lots and more lots…of shit-n-stuff.

Of course that’s not to say we didn’t have our adventures. Most certainly we did, but after we moved in, which was a nice change (for about 30 seconds!). And a post for another day perhaps.

But, to this point, we did find a character-laden property out in the boonies of King William County (and we all know what ‘character’ means yes?) quickly realizing we’d just moved into a time warp. And not in a good way! Suffice to say we move more Forward to the Past than Back to the Future 🙄

How you ask? Wellllll…remember dial-up? Listening to the pings and bongs and dings and dongs as we waited patiently (hahaha) for a connection to that new and wonderful and mind blowing experience called ‘the internet’?

Okay. So we’re not there but what we DO have is Dial-Up-Yours Darrell’s asshat cousin ShitForBrains satellite internet!

Oh Rhett…Gone with the Wind are those lazy hours of streaming and binge watching Netflix. Instead of watching Frankie and Grace hippy-fy the high brow, I’m watching the usage meter deplete faster than a three year old can make a Twinkie disappear.

No more swinging a Swiffer like she’s Ginger (oops…like he’s Fred 😳 ) while singing with Pandora where every channel is the best channel ’cause it’s MINE!

Gone is Dancing with the Real Stars on The Weather Channel Live because that’s been replaced with sitting Shiva to my dearly departed High-Speed Hank so I can spend quality time with my new frienemy, Manual Update in the lonely hours between 2 and 8 a.m.

What’s worse I ask…the frustration, the boredom, or the lack of sleep…I just can’t decide.

What I can say is…ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

I miss my FIOS

And what’s worse…

I hate that I do

p.s. if you’ve nothing better to do, the links in this post are to some of my aforementioned adventures in moving. just sayin 🙂

ATTACKED AT 4:00 A.M.

4:00 a.m.
The only light is the cold white glare of the computer screen
The only sound is the wishy washy whir of the washing machine behind me

UNTIL…(dun dun dunnnnn)

4:05 a.m.
The only light is the cold, white glare of the computer screen
The only sounds are the wishy washy whir of the washing machine, no longer behind but beneath me, as my (thankfully) wheeled computer chair shoots backwards, hits the machine, becomes the launch pad from which I launch myself on top of the machine, to make my none-so-quiet, highly unnatural, most un-ladylike, slightly animalistic, noises, after some sort of CREATURE landed on my nose, scaring the ever loving CRAP outta me, thereby causing a coffee-flood all over my computer desk, before I high-tailed it out of the laundry slash computer slash Ms. Sadie’s room, but not before turning on the glaring over-head light, so that I may (when brave enough to return) investigate this attacking, murderous, intruder and…DISPOSE of it!

4:30 a.m. (do not judge me…it took me a minute ok?)
The only lights are the cold, white glare of the computer screen and the 100 watt glare of the over-head florescent
The only sounds are the gurgling of the draining washing machine in front of me and the slightly judgmental, ticklishly child-like snickering (or so I imagined) quips coming out of Ms Sadie’s crate, and the squeaky, decidedly un-stealthlike, flap of my flip flops on the linoleum as I re-entered the war zone, having donned said shoes and my armor of well-worn sweater
To find………to find………to find……….what the hell…..to find……OH, there it is….at the bottom of my (spilled) coffee cup

A FUCKING LADY BUG!

REALLY?

A SCREAMING MEEMEE, CRAZY-ASS, SISSY-WOMAN OVER A LADY BUG?

5:00 a.m.
The only lights are the cold, white glare of the computer screen and the new, strategically placed, table lamp (10 feet away from the computer table)
The only sounds are the gurgles and whirring of the spinning washing machine and the slowly lessening, yet still slightly deafening, beating of my heart, as my flippy flops flap back to the kitchen to make myself a new cup o Joe

Sans Lady Bug

Go back to sleep Sadie (traitor)

Good Morning World

Now…EFF OFF!

Shades of Gray

I thought I’d be clever

When naming my blog

50 Shades was trending

With its wanking and snogs

I know it’s not porno

This little blog of mine

But it can get racey

When I’m into my wine

So when a day does come

That I can spend all in Gray

I feel I must share it

In my own special way

So I hope you enjoy it

These little snappy spurts

50 Shades of Gray(tone)

Trust me…it won’t hurt

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