I had a thought today
Just one mind you…
Author: Rhonda
American Pie in the Face
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how my stories
Used to make them smile
And I knew if I had my chance
I could make this keyboard dance
And maybe we’d be happy for a while
Sad to say that now I quiver
With every speech I hear delivered
Bad news on the right front
Worse news on the left front
I can remember that I tried
To keep the faith and walk beside
Those flinging arrows long and wide
The day we ran outta pie
So, bye-bye, our American Pie
Prayed for truth, reason, life and love, but was denied
Joined those good ol’ boys and drank some whiskey and rye
Then I told them we were all outta pie
Yes, I told them we were flat outta pie
How to re-write this book of hate
And can we find strength to navigate
Will the media let us be?
Now, I do believe deep down inside
That we can stem this mortal tide
Can you help me help them, you know?
And I know you’re thinking I’m insane
‘Cause I’ve tortured these iconic refrains
But we’ve all pulled on our boots
And kicked us back to our roots
It took two centuries plus to get this far
In the blink of an eye we’ve ripped the scar
And now we’re flinging feathers and tar
The day we ran outta pie
Try to remember, why-why we love American pie
Life’s too tough to stand and watch the past hate revive
The bad ol’ days were in the past we survived
Because we all remembered the pie
Please help each other make some more pie
Do You Have G@S?
GoT G@S?
Don’t blame me for the question 😆
I was actually headed down a whole ‘nother writting road when I was reminded of something I saw on Fartbook 😳 today that had me digging deeper to find out The rest of the story 🙂
It was about an overly flatulent passenger on a flight from Dubai to Amsterdam on which a passenger let fly 😉 toots that were sooo horrifyingly bad that….well, I’ll let you read some of the more descriptive headlines and you’ll figure it out!
1. IBTIMES.CO.UK
Fart Attack: Plane makes emergency landing after passenger refuses to stop breaking wind on flight!
2. FINANCIALEXPRESS.COM
Transavia Airlines Emergency Landing: Reason As Explosive As It Is Hilarious!
3. NEWSHUB.CO.NZ
Transavia Airlines Flight Makes Emergency Landing After Passenger’s Farting Sparks Fight!
4. THEREGISTER.CO.UK
Farts Away! Plane Makes Unscheduled Stop After Man Won’t Stop Guffing! (that’s a new one on me!)
5. BOING BOING
Fart Rampage Forces Flight to Make Emergency Landing!
6. NYPOST
Farty Passenger Forces Flight to Make Emergency Landing!
7. King C-Note from HOT917FM.COM
“This flight was no GAS!”
8. INC.COM
How Farts on a Flight Led to a Fight and Alleged Racial Profiling.
9. GULFNEWS.COM
Bad Air Forces Emergency Landing!
10. FLIP.IT
Passenger Drops Farts So Putrid Pilot is Forced to Make Emergency Landing
11. DAILYCALLER.COM
Pilot Makes Emergency Landing Over Passenger Dropping Booty Bombs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know about you all, but I think we needed a story like this to make the headlines today.
Don’t get me wrong…the stories monopolizing the various media outlets these days are important ones. And we as a society must pay attention to and get involved in, finding solutions when and where we can. Especially with regard to the tragedies at our nation’s schools. Of this there is no question.
But something non-political or racially charged…
Wait…there is one headline that does not fall into this category…and to me, it’s just plain ignorant and self-serving; maybe even hate mongering rhetoric.
Did you notice? Go back and read #8.
To claim racial profiling? Really? Do they think his flatulent emissions were trying to enter their country illegally?
Or perhaps their thinking was that his intolerable tootage was being used as a weapon of mass disgustion!
Whatever the reason behind that headline, it’s Just. Plain. Stupid.
Anyway…I was actually writing a post on another kind of gas when I was reminded of these headlines seen today.
If nothing else, I hope it brings a smile to your face.
Or maybe you’ll chuckle enough to release a little pressure of your own!
Hey, when you’re my age…the relief valve doesn’t always work!!!
Sometimes…it’s an effluent pump run amok!!
😆 Peace and Good Booty Bombs to All 😆
Oh those lazy crazy Sadie days of winter…
Ms Sadie loves it outside but she has one little problem.
She hates the cold.
Well, not hates…but does not tolerate it.
She vibrates…not tolerates. 😆
Unless
There is snow on the ground
True story (and very much like her hu-mom)
So…she wiles away the hours
Chancing a peek Through the Glass Dirty
Hoping for one thing
Snow…ahhhhh schweeeeet, schweet, schnow!
Or is it the squirrel?
Hang on…maybe she’s dreaming of summer.
After all, it’s been a cold, snow-less winter
No, wait! It’s gotta be the bird!
Her buddy Noodles may fly by any minute!
(sorry girl…not gonna happen!)
Sweet girl. Sweet Sadie…waiting for…
Anything Mom…Anything. As long as we do it together!
TEMPEST WARPED
As clearly indicated in this photo of my ‘elevated’ clock collection…time really does fly! Otherwise, how the hell did so much time go by between posts? Oh sure, a snippet here, a snapshot there, but basically…crickets!
Bad writer. Baaaaad writer 😦
Soooo much has happened since my last real update. But, as I recall (who am I kidding? I recall nothing…I had to re-read my last posts to catch up with myself!) we’d basically gotten out of our house and into Mom’s, only to turn right around and do it again when her house sold the very weekend we moved in. So, the crunch was on to find the new house to accommodate everyone’s wants, needs, and pocketbook…no easy task in the best of circumstances much less with less than 45 days to find (finally), contract (ouch), inspect (ahem, is that supposed to do that?), appraise (oooh look hon, we already made a hundred bucks!), and close (ha…they get 5% for that?).
Then came the moving part…and actually, I have nothing to say about that except it went pretty darn well considering the parties involved (namely….me!)
No T to the H to the U to the Gs this time! No Sir. Just lots and lots and lots and more lots…of shit-n-stuff.
Of course that’s not to say we didn’t have our adventures. Most certainly we did, but after we moved in, which was a nice change (for about 30 seconds!). And a post for another day perhaps.
But, to this point, we did find a character-laden property out in the boonies of King William County (and we all know what ‘character’ means yes?) quickly realizing we’d just moved into a time warp. And not in a good way! Suffice to say we move more Forward to the Past than Back to the Future 🙄
How you ask? Wellllll…remember dial-up? Listening to the pings and bongs and dings and dongs as we waited patiently (hahaha) for a connection to that new and wonderful and mind blowing experience called ‘the internet’?
Okay. So we’re not there but what we DO have is Dial-Up-Yours Darrell’s asshat cousin ShitForBrains satellite internet!
Oh Rhett…Gone with the Wind are those lazy hours of streaming and binge watching Netflix. Instead of watching Frankie and Grace hippy-fy the high brow, I’m watching the usage meter deplete faster than a three year old can make a Twinkie disappear.
No more swinging a Swiffer like she’s Ginger (oops…like he’s Fred 😳 ) while singing with Pandora where every channel is the best channel ’cause it’s MINE!
Gone is Dancing with the Real Stars on The Weather Channel Live because that’s been replaced with sitting Shiva to my dearly departed High-Speed Hank so I can spend quality time with my new frienemy, Manual Update in the lonely hours between 2 and 8 a.m.
What’s worse I ask…the frustration, the boredom, or the lack of sleep…I just can’t decide.
What I can say is…ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH
I miss my FIOS
And what’s worse…
I hate that I do
p.s. if you’ve nothing better to do, the links in this post are to some of my aforementioned adventures in moving. just sayin 🙂
ATTACKED AT 4:00 A.M.
4:00 a.m.
The only light is the cold white glare of the computer screen
The only sound is the wishy washy whir of the washing machine behind me
UNTIL…(dun dun dunnnnn)
4:05 a.m.
The only light is the cold, white glare of the computer screen
The only sounds are the wishy washy whir of the washing machine, no longer behind but beneath me, as my (thankfully) wheeled computer chair shoots backwards, hits the machine, becomes the launch pad from which I launch myself on top of the machine, to make my none-so-quiet, highly unnatural, most un-ladylike, slightly animalistic, noises, after some sort of CREATURE landed on my nose, scaring the ever loving CRAP outta me, thereby causing a coffee-flood all over my computer desk, before I high-tailed it out of the laundry slash computer slash Ms. Sadie’s room, but not before turning on the glaring over-head light, so that I may (when brave enough to return) investigate this attacking, murderous, intruder and…DISPOSE of it!
4:30 a.m. (do not judge me…it took me a minute ok?)
The only lights are the cold, white glare of the computer screen and the 100 watt glare of the over-head florescent
The only sounds are the gurgling of the draining washing machine in front of me and the slightly judgmental, ticklishly child-like snickering (or so I imagined) quips coming out of Ms Sadie’s crate, and the squeaky, decidedly un-stealthlike, flap of my flip flops on the linoleum as I re-entered the war zone, having donned said shoes and my armor of well-worn sweater
To find………to find………to find……….what the hell…..to find……OH, there it is….at the bottom of my (spilled) coffee cup
A FUCKING LADY BUG!
REALLY?
A SCREAMING MEEMEE, CRAZY-ASS, SISSY-WOMAN OVER A LADY BUG?
5:00 a.m.
The only lights are the cold, white glare of the computer screen and the new, strategically placed, table lamp (10 feet away from the computer table)
The only sounds are the gurgles and whirring of the spinning washing machine and the slowly lessening, yet still slightly deafening, beating of my heart, as my flippy flops flap back to the kitchen to make myself a new cup o Joe
Sans Lady Bug
Go back to sleep Sadie (traitor)
Good Morning World
Now…EFF OFF!
Shades of Gray
I thought I’d be clever
When naming my blog
50 Shades was trending
With its wanking and snogs
I know it’s not porno
This little blog of mine
But it can get racey
When I’m into my wine
So when a day does come
That I can spend all in Gray
I feel I must share it
In my own special way
So I hope you enjoy it
These little snappy spurts
50 Shades of Gray(tone)
Trust me…it won’t hurt
Mission Impossible OR As I Like to ask… Can We Shoot Him?
I bet at least once in your life
You’ve heard a guy say this
When he’s gettin’ his giddyap
Ready to goddyout…
SHIT SHOWER & SHAVE
Am I right?
Well…hold onto your knickers ladies and gents ‘Cause the Pesky Puke we all know and love…Elf on the Shelf ?
Is a FREAKIN’ TEENAGER this Christmas
{ACKKKKKKKKKK}
So, when HE gets ready to slither and creep and hide and seek…his giddyap to goddyout goes like this…
SHIT
SHAVE
SWIG
SHARE
R E P E A T…
SHIT – SHAVE – SWIG – SHARE (eee gads!)
sHelf
thE
eLf
Please
Oh…and by the way?
Have you met the other one?
No?
Introducing…
MENSCH ON THE BENCH
Yeah…He’s the older and wiser one 😦
OY OY OY
VEY VEY VEY
NOTSOMUCH
gonna be a looooong season
Just Write…Wright?
A familiar scenario.
3 a.m.
First coffee history.
Second half gone.
I have a fridge full of freshly cut up watermelon & pineapple; bowls of grapes, blueberries, and strawberries…and here I sit. Snug as a bug with my coffee and fruit (disguised as the bowl of leftover Ghoul Goodies no thanks to the ever lurking Señor SnacKattacK…the shadowy shit!)
Apparently I’d transformed into a chainsaw of human proportions while I lounged on the couch after the delish Cuban meal I’d prepared for hubby’s birthday, for which he thanked me by shaking my ass awake (for my own safety naturally) sometime around 1 a.m. to go to bed.
Humph…you’d think after 35 years he’d know enough to let a sleeping chainsaw lie!
No matter the length of the doze…once she’s reached the critical brum – brum – brum – brrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Leave her alone!
Let her saw the damned wood!
Let her clear the freakin’ forest!
‘Cause…You wake her?
She. Is. Done!!!
For someone who hasn’t posted much in the last year, it’s surprising how much blogging has been on my mind lately. Do I miss it? Sure. Is it the writing I miss or the connections. Both. In equal measure.
So I suppose that’s why, at the now current hour of 4 a.m., I’m scribbling nonsense on a white screen, in a dark room, to restless readers, and faithful friends…in an attempt to re-ignite the engine.
Not the chainsaw one (no matter how much I’d like to sleep) but the writing one.
The only way back, as I see it, is to do it…and keep doing it…until the engine purrs once more.
Or ’til the gas runs out.
Then I’ll get more gas.
‘Cause…
The more I wread what writers write – the more I wrealize why writers write – when writers write – while writing what’s wright – or writing what’s wrong – writing is writing-that’s wright – write?
When?
Silence
When to be a parent?
When to be a friend?
When to speak the truth you feel?
When an ear to lend?
When do Moms and Dads step in?
When Jack or Jill are hurting?
When do Moms and Dads bow out?
When they’d rather you were averting
When is it okay to speak?
When they’re obviously in pain?
When it reaches the point of no return?
When there’s nothing left to gain?
When Moms and Dads knew what to do
When hugs & kisses soothed
When Jill or Jack were little ones
When life’s wrinkles could be smoothed
When two in love be-came one
When the sun set on that day
When is it the time to speak your heart?
When all you’ve done is pray
When confusion, hurt, and anger come
When sorry just won’t do
When their hearts hurt you know it well
When your heart breaks in two
When to be a parent?
When to be a friend?
When to learn it’s not your concern?
When they tell you so
That’s When
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