Size Matters ~ It’s a Matter of Size

 – SIZE MATTERS                                 IS IT A MATTER OF SIZE? – 

A recent dream discussion led me down this path

I have this dream discussion often

The caricatures characters change

Then again, they really don’t

They are always me, myself, and I female

There are always wailing tears

When I met the man I was to marry – I was in my prime at a svelte size 12

(He rocked a 30″ waist with a rock hard shame on you chest and bulging      stop it arms)

When we married – I was an even svelter size 10

(He maintained his inches in all respects)

When we accidentally made the decision to get pregnant – I rocketed to a “Dayum! Do they even make clothes that big?” size Who Gives a Shit, I’m Pregnant

(Again, he maintained his inches and bulged in all the right places 😯 )

Post first born and Pre second born – I regained my pre-marriage svelteness at size 12 with only a slight shift in distribution

(Somewhere around here, he upsized to 32″ despite developing noassatol syndrome)

Post second born – Let’s just say, svelte was forever in the rearview.  I was proud to have achieved a 14 with zero qualms of how I looked cuzzzzzzzz I looked good and behaved like I believed it!

(This is 6 years in and he’s effortlessly sporting that 32″)

[These were the days of meeting him at the door in one of his t-shirts that went ‘just’ down to there, or one of his dress shirts buttoned ‘just’ up to there.  Ya know?]

Now…fast forward 25 years, 7 states, 16 or more, I’m too tired to count addresses, later – I’m coming in at a fluffier size 18 to his 34″ and questioning a severely intimacy challenged marriage of 30 years

A challenge to my desirability and to his commitment

A challenge we both decided we didn’t want to engage in anymore

A challenge we both walked away from; me leaving, him allowing me to

A challenge that was one stroke of the pen away from no longer being a challenge but a divorce

We each fought our demons

We each made the decision to try again

We each found our way back to the love that was always there but had been taken for granted

We each found our way back to loving each other in all ways and knowing we’d made the right decision

And. It. Was. Good.

Even though were I to have met him at the door in one of his t-shirts then, he’d have asked when I’d bought a new sports bra…we’d have laughed because

We. Were. Good.

Fast forward again…three years later, to the here and now the last place I want to or thought I’d be, again

This time in our lives when we’ve made big decisions to show each other that WE are what’s important

Decisions that took us off one road and put our feet on another, for all the right reasons or so I thought

Decisions that I see now, perhaps only delayed the inevitable

It hurts worse now…after the trying and the changes

It hurts worse now because what is there left to do besides try to become something I’m not, thin, but even if I was or could be again, I’d never trust him for loving that me and not this me

It hurts worse now because there is nothing in the way; nothing to blame…

But myself for becoming something he didn’t bargain for

The honest truth is…it’s harder to live with the fact that he says he loves you, shows you he does in lots of little ways, but can’t in the way he would if you were even close to who or what you used to be, or at least, not what you are today, which is a hefty bag size 20 who’s food intake is far less than the average 10 year old

It’s harder to live with knowing you’re loved so much that he can’t imagine living without you, yet can’t show you that he knows and sees you are still the woman he married somewhere in there under all that life the way you can see him as the man you married under the gray hair, age spots, saggy butt, and not too bulging arms because…

the outside only drew you in…it was the inside that knocked you out

I know we are no longer teenagers

I also know, this is the time we were both working toward and looking forward to

We grow in our lives and in our love

We change our minds and change our outlooks

We transcend some things and put up with others

We shouldn’t have unrealistic expectations

But we shouldn’t settle for less than we deserve need either

So…I find myself at a crossroad once again

I’ve found this way of living and loving leaves me feeling at a loss lost

Self Esteem – Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves

Self Worth – Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”

What does this mean to me?

Well…there’s no question that my self esteem has taken a huge hit through all of this.  As the esteem comes from those things that make us feel good about ourselves

Nothing about the last year adds shit to mine

So…that leaves my feelings of self worth

Self worth is a deep knowing of your worth.  An honest belief that you are valuable, worth loving, and necessary

This has very little, if anything, to do with your self esteem

Surprising to me, is that I KNOW my worth.  Through it all, for the first time ever maybe, I KNOW my self worth

I know I’m valuable – I know I’m lovable – I know I’m necessary

Which leaves me with this…I know I’m worthy of complete love, so why am I accepting less?

Is it really such a bad thing that I have all but become a hermit…not leaving the house unless I absolutely have to, because if someone who LOVES me sees me this way, how the hell does the rest of the world see me?

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things that the best I can hope for is an “I love you” as he rolls over to go to sleep?

Am I over reacting when he reaches to hold my hand and I pull it away because my thoughts immediately go to “I don’t want to give you the impression that I’ll settle for that” so I’ll give you nothing instead?

The worst part is…

I love kissing hello and kissing goodbye

I have always loved walking hand in hand, knowing the hand I’m holding wants to hold mine and let the world know I’m his and he’s mine

But I find I no longer want to be offered those things, as I see them as a consollation prize to the big show

The worst part is…how fucked up is that?

The worst part is…I deny the simple things I truly love because I can’t have it all.

AND it confuses me

Am I crazy?

Am I, at 54, supposed to let all of that go?

Did I go through Menopause for this?

Should I be telling myself that all people our age are giving it up without a fight?

Should I be content with what I have and piss off what I don’t?  There’s nothing wrong with companionship if companionship is what you want.

Even though I take the blame because I’m not a size 10 or 12 anymore?

I don’t know

I. Just. Don’t. Know.

Sorry…this was a shit filled ass post

An exercise in self pity if there ever was one and yes, it’s disgusting

I didn’t have to write this here, but it’s my page so I did

I just want to know…why can’t I let it go?

I want to let it go

I want to

I want

Shit…how selfish is that?

No Comments Needed…I’ll figure it out.

xo

Published by

Rhonda

Hi everyone! Welcome to 50 Shades of Gray Hair. 50 Shades is my blog of life over the hill, where each day is full of delicious opportunities to earn another gray hair. I stopped declaring war on the gray when I began this blog years ago. Instead, I embrace and celebrate them along with whatever life decides to throw my way, with (sarcasm forward) humor and an optimistic eye to the future. I think. I hope? I don't know. At any rate...it's real, it's honest, it's full of 4 letter words, and it's me...on a platter. I sincerely welcome you all to my porch....♥♥Rhonda

22 thoughts on “Size Matters ~ It’s a Matter of Size”

  1. You will figure it out…it does suck and this wasn’t filled with self-pity. It was honest and from the heart – and the heart hurts. But you are now, and will always be WW – and though the path isn’t clear, you will find a direction that works for you. You are worthy and wonderful and wise…and disillusioned. I have no answers honey, tho’ you’ll always have my support…xo, sk

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  2. This isn’t self pity. And it’s not disgusting. It’s your page, your honesty and I hope it helped. It’s truthful and it’s real… And we are all there in one form or another. Side by side, walking the walk.

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  3. I know you will. Brutally raw and honest. Can only say – and this is the most insignificant consolation – that whatever size or age you are, I know you are my friend. And I love my friends.

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  4. Such a very difficult situation but I have faith in you that you will figure it out. What you write is not self-pitying at all, Rhonda; it is fresh and crisp and honest and so moving. Love you my gorgeous friend!

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  6. Hey you, you are getting comments whether you want them or not, first what else are friends there for other than to rant, waffle and vent at unless you count digging the holes to bury the bodies but shhh don’t mention that one. I am fatter than you! A simple statement of fact I am currently a UK size 22/24 and I might be delusional but for the first time in my life I am comfortable in my own skin. Oh yeah I would like to lose weight, it is hard going climbing round all those castles and stately homes carrying extra baggage, I don’t need to tell you how I put on the weight, the surgeries that stopped me having the chance to meet you in person or the emotional turmoil my life has been the last couple of years.. If someone loves you, truly loves you it does not matter your size, your looks or anything else, what if you were in an accident and paralysed from the waist down would that mean you should be loved less, or if an accident scarred your face would that make you less deserving of love. If someone cannot see and appreciate the beautiful soul your are they are not worthy of you. No one wants to think about defeat or letting go, no one wants to accept failure but the only failure is to not value yourself, to not believe you deserve the world. I want to you look at the picture of you kids and ask yourself would you ever tell them to settle for something rather be all the could be, then look in the mirror and ask yourself don’t you think they would want the same for their mum. 😀 and you know where I am if you want to rant or vent or need a cyber hug

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    1. You are a star….my own majestic cyber sister telling it like it is. Thank you Paula…and as I take in all you’ve said, I send a silent hug of love and appreciation. xoxo

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  7. well my darling rhinda you have once again out my thoughts into words and yes i feel exactly and i do mean exactly the same, i have so sage words of advice to offer i have no glorious insights i can no more understand nor want this situation myself yet here we are experiencing it, sometimes i feel like saying to hell with it and just going, all i need is my kids and my dogs, right? right, except no , its not, sigh i can only offer you my love and friendship and the knowledge that i too am feeling this exactly, each moment exactly, and i have no more idea of how or what or anything, life can be cruel and i want a magic wand but instead i will eat my cookies and sulk, i can not deal with things and so i eat, love this post rhinda not just because i identify with it so completely but because it is well written, well thought out and basically hits the spot, love you rhindaxxxxxxx

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    1. It’s a sad truth, or a dark look in our own mirrors B…but in the time since writing that, I made one decision and that is to accept his love in whatever form it’s offered because I know it’s all he can do. That’s the only change…and I made it for myself frankly, so I get move beyond feeling bad for being me. I tell myself I can accept it because we’ve been married for so long…which is just another way of saying I’m afraid to walk away with the knowledge that if he can’t…after all this time together…who the hell could? No one is the honest answer…so it’s that too. Honest, raw, and real…that’s me. lol For you, dearest friend, I don’t recommend settling…but I get it and you know I do. I hate that you know how this feels…I truly wish you didn’t. It sucks…xxxxx

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  8. ok i needed to edit that comment but for the life of me i cannot work this new wordpress and cannot find edit or anything bring back the old days ! so we all just have to accept my comment above has some errors and i can’t change them but hopefully you get the main drift of what i was saying love you rhinda i am off for more coffee and find where i hid the cookies

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  9. My dearest Rhonda, I want to talk with you. I think you have my number or at least my email. I understand dear friend. I am here for you. This was a touching, heart-wrenching post and I am grateful for having found it. I thought you weren’t writing as much because you weren’t coming through my emails, but here you are…sending a heartfelt hug as always, but a bigger squeeze to remind you of your loving heartlight, your power and your ability to see through the bs of life to get to the core and heal. xoxo

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  10. You are one brave and soulful and honest sister. I’m proud to call you friend. I echo all of what your community had said…and like what Mimi said, you will find the way and you are not alone along the way. As I said earlier, I meet you where you are. That’s what we do. Xoxo

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    1. Always remember how beautiful you are . I am sorry that my last comment was not written with more grace, Rhonda. Your friendship is a great loss , and these are the words that I want to leave you with. You are beautiful in so many ways . Hold that close. know that. XO J

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