I absolutely hate staring at this blank page when what I see staring back is, well, a blank page and my mind is also, a blankity blank.
Makes me feel sluggish.
So…naturally, when that happens, I go looking for that day’s alter ego.
And as luck would have it, I found it, or rather, it found me.
We shared some quality wine-time (before it got drunk and the mosquitoes showed up and ruined our party)
Too bad it ended so early because I was quite enthralled with these tales of a slug’s life.
Admittedly though, a tad runny at the mouth. Ewww.
Oh excuse my manners…I’ll introduce you.
Everybody? Meet my new friend.
If I tell you its name, I’ll ruin the lesson, so new friend will do for now:
What I learned during our luscious liquid lunch interested me enough to want to share it with you.
So, if you’ll allow, the slug‘s life lesson begins.
Did you know, that in addition to being a major part of his mobility requirements, his slime is actually a defense mechanism?
Yeah, I mean, who the hell wants to eat something that gross?
Nothing it seems. Smart little cuss.
And…as luck (? you’ll see) would have it
(kids, cover your eyes..this is for mommy and daddy)
it’s also a huge part of their (shhhh) sex life.
(Okay, here’s where the third glass is starting to take affect. He fell off his perch mid-sentence and landed on the table; like a cat; feet first!
(that’s a joke…their whole body is one giant foot really)
Of course, we humans secrete our own slime of a sort (well…we do!) but it’s nothing compared to these love bugs.
Slugg-ette drops chemicals into her slime letting Slugg-O know she’s ready.
Months go by…haha, not really but imagine how LONG it takes ol’ Slugg-O to mosey on over?
You might think sweet little Slugg-ette would get sick of waiting…but to hear my new friend tell it…
Slugg-O is packin’ heat and proud of it!
(So the signs on the garden wall are TRUE! Call 1-900-worththewait for a slimy good time!)
His slugg-o-schlong is HALF the size of his body!
Ahem…sorry, was daydreaming.
Anyway, Slugg-ette is staying put! She’s in for the loooong haul.
Once they do manage to mingle, their foreplay can last for hours!
(No surprise there, after waiting all that time? what’s the friggin rush)
But what IS surprising is these little rascals are into…
(kids? still covered? good)
Biting, tail lashing, licking up each others goo….Grrrrrrross!
But hey, whatever flexes your hose right?
Another interesting fact…and this is why I didn’t give you my new friend’s name…
Because Slugg-ette is Slugg-O and Slugg-O is Slugg-ette, if ya catch my drift.
Yeah, so I’ll call him/her Slugg-ett-O
(anyone else hearing Pinocchio music?)
What this means is that they are both hes and they are both shes and they can BOTH get preggers at the same time for gawd’s sake!
(My head just exploded. Who’s your Daddy? Baby Mama? I’m so confused!)
But all is not wine and roses for these poor dude(ttes).
Sometimes, when they are done with the fun, their fun parts aren’t having any fun a’tal.
Why? Because their schlugg schlongs can get stuck in their own goo!
And as it hardens mid wham-bam thank ya man/am, before ya know it?
Gulp…and the only way out? Can ya guess?
Don’t – it’s a gawd awful picture.
I’ll just tell ya.
One gnaws off the other’s ‘peter piper picked the wrong place to get stuck’.
Yup…the slug version of Bobbittized!
But don’t cry for them Argentina (salt’s bad for them anyway).
Shed no salty tears, all is not as it appears.
Not only is it not fatal to the one who happened to get stuck in the prickle jar…it’s a whole new life!
Basically, your garden variety transgender operation.
Nature amazes doesn’t it?
Seems the dearly depetered goes off to live a normal, happy, Slugg-ett-O life as strictly a female.
A whole new slug. Slugg-ette for ever and ever.
That’s all we had time for during our first meet and greet; the bugs were bitin’ and Slugg-ett-O
(yeah, I asked…was still packin’)
was obviously slime-faced!
But here’s his parting shot, and if I do say, not a bad looking she-fellow when you get to know her/im
See ya ’round…ya ol’ slimeball! 🙂