Delusional Illusions

Growing up as I did, I had to become a master of delusion.

And a master I was.

I managed to convince myself I was happy, normal, thriving, even exceptional at times.

But, as with everything in life, it ends.

That day came when the delusion hit me square in the face and I found myself staring at a naked stranger in the mirror.

So what’s to be done?

Face my naked self?

See life as it is for the first time…stare the ugly in the face and see beyond it?

Reach into that mirrored heart and grab that frightened, yearning, amazingly loving, little girl and give her a chance?

That would be a most difficult, utterly terrifying path.  Yet a fine one indeed.  A healing thing, a healthy thing, a loving thing to do.

Or…how about exchanging the delusion; that umbrella of fantasy under which life was so real as to be believed; for one of illusion.

I know it won’t be entirely real; just enough to convince me that I can be happy.  No longer deluded, yet not quite ready to face the ugliness in the mirror.  Not quite strong enough to bring her out into the open to face the fact that life is not fair; life is not pretty; life is not forgiving…it’s just life.

So illusion it was…for a time anyway.

But…as all things in life do, this too did end.

An even more painful death than the delusion.

The delusion took my face and smashed it into my mirror.

The illusion died slowly, with tiny little blows that wounded me a piece at a time.

With it’s whispered ‘I love you but…”

And it’s well intended, but still misguided “You’re too good for me…”

The true shield behind which the illusions spew forth “It’s not you, it’s me…”

And the fatal blows to the heart “I’ll always love you…”

a & f

The delusion?

That my damaged soul and wounded heart could find love and peace, inside or out, anywhere but in my own heart.

It’s not possible without facing the naked truth that no matter how much I love another, it won’t last until I love myself enough to see beyond the mirror.

a & f

The Illusion?

That my damaged soul could tell the difference between what’s whole, what’s honest, what’s without fear, and what’s my illusion.

To realize true happiness and true love I must stand naked and fearless in front of that mirror.

And besides my own, the eyes of the one I love are the truest mirror I’ll ever face.

If I’m willing to see it, the reflection will be one of truth. My truth and his.

Stark naked, no illusion.

I’ll see trust, kindness, inner beauty, desire, love without qualification, and acceptance of who and what we both are…in all that naked glory…or I’ll see nothing.

If I see doubt, fear, unease, tempered or guarded emotions, and conditional love…from either of us….I’ll run.

  The delusion is dead.

The illusion is dead.

Life is bare…

it promises nothing and offers only what you are willing to pay for

it is as ugly as it is beautiful…

it is as rich with humiliation and pain as it is with pleasure and joy…

but at least it’s now naked…

Now is the time for truth

 

16 thoughts on “Delusional Illusions

  1. HEY GIRLFRIEND, whoa… heavy stuff! What if it justI a dream? Whether the dream is a busy, gorgeous, entitled, indulgent, “happy” dream, or if its a scary, frantic, forgot-my-shirt dream… Good illusions, bad illusions… our goal is to look through that veil of mortal illusion to absolute and concrete Truth, which is above and beyond dreams of myriad forms of mortal existence. For now, grab your Truth, and let the illusions dissipate. Hang on to your favorite Good, your favorite Truth.
    Let’s catch up, with boob-orange type — in Reality.

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  2. What an amazing post, my beautiful friend. We are all alone, but together somehow. (btw my stupid internet +computer playing up so might be out of action for a bit. Love you!

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  3. The dichotomy of truth – it’s beauty and it’s horror. And realizing that running can only get one so far. Maybe we can catch up on email? Sending you one now – with love…SK

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  4. Sweet mother of… Much appreciated the hammering post here. I think it is always time for the truth, but sometimes we go there, most of the time we go anywhere else, and now and then we get lucky and stumble into some realization that yes, better to face it and face it well than to turn away from it and take the lashes. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through here S. Belle, and I will not even pretend to understand it, but my mind is playing playful tricks of redemption and recovery and beating the senseless snot out of things in the past that you can’t change anyway and so honour them, remember them even, but pay them no heed any longer. Pay them no heed any longer. Pay them nothing at all. It sounds to me like you’re moving to a good place, and my best of wishes go with you there.

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  5. Rhon…amazing, raw, stunning in a deeply honest and courageous way. Not wanting to read between any lines,I am amazed by you. We need to catch up off blog sometime soon. xoxo

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