You hope and pray you’ll do it well – But only God and time will tell
their first breath – that moment when
your life begins all over again
completely blind and ignorant of
what lay in store – except the love
such love not imagined – all encompassing
one day you’re you – now they’re the thing
that wakes you, feeds you, and fills your dreams
the good ones, great ones – in others you scream
you give them all you have to give
and though you know better – for them you live
the minutes to hours to days just fly
they coo and giggle and laugh and cry
the months and years show on your face
“please don’t go” – now – “give me my space”
you gently fade from their day to day
you open the door – you show the way
for them to taste and see anew
the world once filtered – made safe by you
you know it’s time – they feel it too
to let go of the strings – the both of you
and as they pushed and pulled away
your heart wished, once, for yesterday
when you helped them climb – watched them fall
saw them rise and push through it all
you’d let their lives envelope yours
you were the keeper – you kept the scores
of their battles won – challenges met
their struggles to come – those not met yet
you know it’s perspective and balance you need
to nourish the tree – not just the seed
you understand and search for the middle
the line that answers motherhood’s riddle
but the balance you missed – was in not knowing
it was your duty too – to keep on growing
into the woman – not just the mother
you could be both – not one or t’other
you were just a girl when they came to be
but womanhood stalled for the mother, you see
the trusses you built from that balance not found
kept the woman at bay – shadow bound
so focused were you on their little lives
you forgot to sing – to keep alive
that woman in you you’d set aside
so mother shined while the woman tried
to remake the bed already laid
the woman you could be – the mother you made
in the wings she’ll stay – that much is clear
the woman’s hidden for the mother’s fear
that this bed of weeks – without a word
is that woman’s fault – their wants unheard
but it’s mother who pays this price so daunting
you’ve been weighed and measured – and found wanting
now silent tears drop to mommy’s breast
’cause good’s not enough – your best not best
your youth – a down payment – not the sum
and that number will rise for years to come
the life you gave matters not on the whole
now’s what’s important – their happiness you stole
by not staying that mother to them and to theirs
trying to figure it out – but no one cares
You’ve seen women do it – be both – not just one
that mom of the year – and – that woman so fun
but you are found wanting – and that must be the truth
for you allowed her to die – that woman of your youth
in favor of the mother you thought you should be
now the mom-ster you created shall not be free
to live the life that you once placed on hold
so that others could flourish – in happiness you molded
so – woman repent – to the shadows you go
and the mother you are must pay penance to show
that as long as you live – as long as you breathe
your life is for them – it’s what they believe
You hoped and prayed you did it well – but only God and time will tell
On this, the one year anniversary of the loss of my father, my Superman, I cannot help but reflect on the relationships I have and have had, in my life.
As humans, we embody the word dichotomy in so many ways….but the number one in my book is…we are as simple as we are complicated.
We all begin the same way…simply…we are born. Yet the simplicity ends there and the complications begin.
Our relationships. Simple yet complicated.
We love simply, yet that same love, complicates everything.
This post: A simple plea for an end to the silence…and a look at the complicated life of a woman as mother and mother as woman, and where you go from here…
If you don’t know…you’re in good company, for I don’t either.
To be a mother is a lifelong commitment, of this I have no doubt. But at what point can the woman come out from behind the curtain with the expectation that the child will see her, know her, for the woman she could be underneath the mother she is?
At what point in her life of being daughter, sister, wife, mother, grandmother…can a woman who mistakenly set herself aside, reasonably expect to fix that mistake of self-denial, with their blessing instead of their resentment for putting herself first?
My guess would be…not today.
At what point in a child’s life did they forget all she did…so as to remind her of what she’s not doing now?
My guess would be…today
So…it is time to say what I want to say and hope it’s heard and felt:
They say there is a reason
They say that time will heal
But neither time nor reason
Will change the way I feel
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind my smiles
No one knows how many times
I’ve broken down and cried
I want to tell you something
So there won’t be any doubt
You’re so wonderful to think of
But so hard to be without
Simon says…
No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away…
(header photo credit:galleryhip.com)
50 Shades of Gray Hair 