Tag: Self Awareness

Mr. and Mrs. Smite – Prologue (as it turns out)

This post has been in my head and heart and groin (yeah, I know, but it has) for a long time now.

There have been times over the last couple years I’ve come straight here, to this screen, knowing exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.

But to date, I’ve yet to get beyond the first word.
I think I’ve been too embarrassed, ashamed, confused, conflicted, to go any further.

If I don’t chicken out today, I’ll get to the end, knowing I need to get it out.
If I do (chicken out)…then I hope I find the courage to finish tomorrow.
Or even later today.
It’s still early right?

Whether this is the place is another question.
It really doesn’t matter though, as this is the only place, and these are the only ears, I go to, to be who I am and say what I need to say.

Good or Bad
Right or Wrong
This is where I first found my voice and it makes no sense to shut up now.

So…pull up the big chair, smoke ’em if ya got um, get ready to flex the wincing muscles, cause you’re gonna need ’em.

This ain’t gonna be pretty; looking this intently in the mirror rarely is. But it is gonna be real.
And for what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll be alone, even though alone is a very familiar and all too comfortable place to be.

It’s the tale of 2 bodies and 4 people (in other words, a couple).

Me and ‘The Mrs’
Him and ‘The Mr’

Now, I know all of us (and I mean ALL of us) are multi-faceted individuals.
We are, at times, everything to everybody.
We are not one-dimensional, nor are we unique.
Our struggles with the day-to-day of the human condition are nothing if not universal.

That said…we are though.
Unique that is.

We could, all of us, be presented with like scenarios, similar circumstances, the same quandaries, and yet, come up with a myriad of reasons for or solutions to “IT”.

I get that…but for my part, I own this.
Or we do…as the case may be.

I stand before you, naked and afraid, but determined to share a burden that weighs heavily on me.
(You’ll appreciate the verbiage of that soon enough).

It weighs heavily enough that it runs a loop in my brain like THE worst ever episode of ‘This Is Your Life”.

There are some here old enough to remember that show…for those too young, perhaps it’s like seeing your life flash before your eyes as you die and you think “Shit…who did I piss off to deserve that?”

Maybe…I don’t know.

This is difficult. Maybe more so than sharing with you past traumas in my life that were not dealt with until I was facing my own 50 Shades of Gray Hair.

I thought those shares would be the end of my life as I knew it.
But they weren’t.
In fact, very little has changed (to any degree)
I’ve found that people, like water, take the path of least resistance whenever possible.
And I understand it.

But, I also understand, it cannot matter to me what other people think or do.
Anymore.

It only matters what I think and what I do.
Not easy…never easy to be consciously selfish.
But necessary.

I’m very close to scaring myself out of continuing.
Think I’ll go pour myself some liquid courage.

I’ll be back…

I hope

The Fickle Pickle

fick·le ˈfikəl/ adjective:

“changing frequently, especially as regards one’s loyalties, interests, or affection.”

I’m in a pickle ’cause I love slap and tickle but taken alone I hate a slap but love a tickle am I fickle?

 

No…not quite like that.

Here’s the thing…I was sitting on the porch this morning, as is usual, with my coffee and smokes, thinking…

“I love this” followed immediately by “I hate this”.

That thought alone, occupied my brain for the next 2 hours. Through my second cuppa, my third smoke, changing the sheets, checking my mail, taking my shower, love/hate, love/hate, love/hate…

Enough with the fickle pickle already!

So…to clear my head of this love/hate dialogue that was making my head spin, I thought I could put it down on paper and try to figure out if I am, in fact, ficklish.  (That’s like being ticklish only not as much fun)

Or, am I just someone who can NOT make a damned decision and stick with it.

I found it was much easier said than done. Mostly because there are waaaaay too many; way, way, too many; did I say way to many?

However, not to be deterred, and despite the shear number…I’m giving it another go.

Only this time, I’m limiting myself to one fickle per letter of the alphabet. I don’t know yet if I’ll have one for every letter, just as I already know I will have to choose between more than one for some others.

But…if a letter is empty, then I’ve got nothing.

Yet!

I know…it’s a bit ridickle!

And I also know, limiting some of the letters to one thing is going to be near impossibickle!

But, I shall try. Because, my hope is, by the time I’m done, I can look at the list objectively and do one of two things:

Decide which side of the coin I’m on.
or
Embrace the pickle and be tickled that I’m fickle.

No…seriously.  I need to do this.

I need to challenge myself to be more/do more/try more/embrace more…things that I love.
To a greater degree than not doing more/trying more/being more/embracing more…of the things I can change.

Because…the ‘hate side’ is…simply put…FEAR

Here goes ~ The Fickle Pickle of Love/Hate Relationships A to Z

Aging
I love that I’ve earned my stripes.
I hate that that they are on my body, so I undress in the dark.

Beaches
I love when the beach is empty and the waves are crashing.
I hate the bikini strewn, human oil slick, so I beach in winter.

Crowds
I love the excitement that creates a crowd.
I hate feeling alone in one, so I avoid them.

Dreams
I love hearing about dreams.
I hate having them, so I don’t (at least I don’t remember them).

Equality
I love the idea of it, in all things.
I hate that sometimes, I am part of the problem in remaining silent.

Flying
I love the journey,
I hate the hassle, so I don’t (very often).

Google
I love that you can have an answer in a flash.
I hate that it has replaced looking things up in the encyclopedia and the dictionary, but I’m guilty too.

Humidity
I love what it does for my skin.
I hate what it does to my hair, I’m a chia pet!

Immigration
I love that American means Everyonecan.
I hate that it has become counting pennies vs. counting kids, but that’s the reality we live in.

Jingles
I love knowing them, singing them, and recognizing the product by the tune.
I hate knowing them, singing them, and recognizing that I just might be a couch potato!

Kayaking
I love the idea of being ‘one with the water’, especially in the quiet, early morning mist, just as the sun rises.
I hate the spidery hidey hole where I can’t see my feet, so I don’t.

Love
I love love, being in love, being loved, giving love.
I hate what happens to me when love doesn’t feel safe.
I hate losing a single second to that most of all.
Shying away from love for fear of pain may be a form of self defense.
But it’s the worst offense against yourself there could ever be.

Motherhood
I love being a mother, for there is no love like it in the world.
I hate being a mother, at times, for there is no fear like it in the world.
(Though this, I would NEVER change)

Nakedness
I love the rare times I’ve allowed myself the freedom, wishing it always felt that way.
I hate the majority of my adult life has been spent trying to avoid it.

Obsession
I love the passion it takes to have one.
I hate the control I lose when I do, which is often.

Porches
I love being a porch dweller; morning coffee, afternoon wine, thunderstorms…
I hate being a porch dweller; going out to smoke, checking the spi-dar for spiders, being spied upon by the people driving or walking by, an oddi-tee in a nigh-tee!

Q

Rainbows
I love the spontaneous way they pop up hither and thither and yon, alone or in pairs, nature at it’s best.
I hate the feeling of ‘somewhere’ I get when I see one.

Smoking
I love smoking
I hate everything about it, but here I am

Technology
I love how the human mind works, developing new technology to solve the world’s problems
I hate that technology has replaced some sadly lacking human qualities…like kindness, empathy, compassion, and common sense. Definitely one of those ‘double edged swords’

U

Vermont
I love Vermont, you know I do. I am as Green Mountain blooded as I am red blooded.
I hate Vermont, and I’ll leave it there.

Wine
I love what it does for me
I hate what it does to me.
Let’s face it, beer drinkers go deaf and shout and have their beer-bellies.
Wine drinkers go soft and fuzzy and have wine-wattles!

Xray
I love xray technology for finding broken bones and cancerous tumors.
I hate xray for finding things we cannot fix.
I do wonder if I’d rather not know if that’s the case.

Yoda
I love Yoda for his wisdom, manner, sense of humor, and common sense 🙂
I hate Yoda because to look at him reminds me that Superman is mortal 😦
As are we all…but still.

Zoos
I love the zoo for obvious reasons.
I hate the zoo for even more obvious reasons.

So…the challenge to me is to address the love/hates and see which are hurting me or preventing me from growing as a person.  Granted, some will remain as they are…we can’t love everything, but nor can we hate everything…and we can certainly have a bit of both now and then.

As a shield…hate sucks.

As a tool…hate sucks.

As a rule…hate sucks.

As a reminder to do better…hate can work.

Challenge yourselves…and if anyone has a love/hate they’d like to share, I’d like to hear.

xo

R