Tag: Fear

This post has been in my head and heart and groin (yeah, I know, but it has) for a long time now.

There have been times over the last couple years I’ve come straight here, to this screen, knowing exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it.

But to date, I’ve yet to get beyond the first word.
I think I’ve been too embarrassed, ashamed, confused, conflicted, to go any further.

If I don’t chicken out today, I’ll get to the end, knowing I need to get it out.
If I do (chicken out)…then I hope I find the courage to finish tomorrow.
Or even later today.
It’s still early right?

Whether this is the place is another question.
It really doesn’t matter though, as this is the only place, and these are the only ears, I go to, to be who I am and say what I need to say.

Good or Bad
Right or Wrong
This is where I first found my voice and it makes no sense to shut up now.

So…pull up the big chair, smoke ’em if ya got um, get ready to flex the wincing muscles, cause you’re gonna need ’em.

This ain’t gonna be pretty; looking this intently in the mirror rarely is. But it is gonna be real.
And for what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll be alone, even though alone is a very familiar and all too comfortable place to be.

It’s the tale of 2 bodies and 4 people (in other words, a couple).

Me and ‘The Mrs’
Him and ‘The Mr’

Now, I know all of us (and I mean ALL of us) are multi-faceted individuals.
We are, at times, everything to everybody.
We are not one-dimensional, nor are we unique.
Our struggles with the day-to-day of the human condition are nothing if not universal.

That said…we are though.
Unique that is.

We could, all of us, be presented with like scenarios, similar circumstances, the same quandaries, and yet, come up with a myriad of reasons for or solutions to “IT”.

I get that…but for my part, I own this.
Or we do…as the case may be.

I stand before you, naked and afraid, but determined to share a burden that weighs heavily on me.
(You’ll appreciate the verbiage of that soon enough).

It weighs heavily enough that it runs a loop in my brain like THE worst ever episode of ‘This Is Your Life”.

There are some here old enough to remember that show…for those too young, perhaps it’s like seeing your life flash before your eyes as you die and you think “Shit…who did I piss off to deserve that?”

Maybe…I don’t know.

This is difficult. Maybe more so than sharing with you past traumas in my life that were not dealt with until I was facing my own 50 Shades of Gray Hair.

I thought those shares would be the end of my life as I knew it.
But they weren’t.
In fact, very little has changed (to any degree)
I’ve found that people, like water, take the path of least resistance whenever possible.
And I understand it.

But, I also understand, it cannot matter to me what other people think or do.
Anymore.

It only matters what I think and what I do.
Not easy…never easy to be consciously selfish.
But necessary.

I’m very close to scaring myself out of continuing.
Think I’ll go pour myself some liquid courage.

I’ll be back…

I hope